Let Our Kids Out of The Box

My husband and I never define activities by gender or tell our children they can’t do something because they are girls. As my daughter nears her pre-teen years, she is increasingly concerned about doing ‘girl things’ and not ‘boy things’. She has asked me on a few occasions if I thought an activity was boyish or if she was a tom-boy for doing something because she wants to be a ‘girly girl’.

Recently, a friend told me that her daughter doesn’t wear dresses, often wears a ball cap and doesn’t like to paint her nails. I just nodded, not seeing an issue with it, until she also told me that her daughter was told that ‘real girls’ aren’t like that.

Real girls? Really?

Why are we still limiting our children?

That's the wonderful thing about children - anything is possible.

Plus, life is hard enough without being made to think something is wrong because you don’t like stereotypical gender activities.

I was floored when my friend told me that her daughter had been told that. I believe everyone should be allowed to be who they are (as long as you are not harming anyone) and am very big on individuality (I can see all those who know me nodding emphatically). I like being different, but not everyone has that courage, and to be honest, I didn’t always either.

Why can’t girls play hockey and still wear dresses and like to have their nails done? Why can’t girls have very short hair and like to race dirt bikes or snowmobiles? Why do girls have to wear dresses at all?

Because of the problems with bullying, there has been a big push encouraging youth to be who they are. Despite this, we are still limiting who our children with a few simple words like, “Real girls don’t do...” or “Girls can’t....”. It seems society encourages people to be their unique, individual selves as long as they still fit into the gender stereotypes. How hypocritical is that?

Since I don’t have boys, I can’t speak as much on their pressures, but I know there are still limits put on them. How many boys take dance classes like ballet or tap without being teased? I’m always so proud of the boys I see that get on stage as part of the local dance school.

My mother always told me that I could do anything I wanted. She never put limits on my ambitions, even when I wanted to be a rock star – though I bet she was happy when that dream faded. I try to encourage my girls, or any child, to be who they are and follow their dreams. Even when my daughter wanted to be a ballerina-ninja, I told her she would be the first of her kind.

It’s important to allow our children to be who they are and give them the courage to break away from tradition so they can be happy doing what they love. That courage to not follow others will serve them well through life.

Go Ahead, Punish Me

My oldest is driving me nuts when it comes to finding a punishment that works. No matter what I try, it doesn’t seem to bother her. She’s eight now and I need to find something that works soon because she’s heading into the preteen years.

When she was two-years old, I would tell her, “If you don’t stop that, you will get a time out.” Her reply: “I want a time out.” Sure enough, when she ended up in time out, she sat on the step and entertained herself. Rarely has she cried or been upset to be put in time out. The threat of time out hasn’t been a deterrent for misbehaving.

I tried taking away whatever she was immediately involved with – a toy, the televisions, crafts. She would be upset for a short time and then head off to do something else. She would sometimes go without the toy or craft items for weeks before I remembered to give them back. Usually she would lose the television for the rest of the day or a of couple days, but she didn’t care much, she would just go play in her room.

Grounding has been met with the same response. No television or computer for a week, that’s fine, she occupies herself in her room. No friends for a week, that’s okay, she likes to play alone anyway.

The other night I told her that she would lose the television for the weekend if she didn’t stop misbehaving. She said, “Okay.”

Her nonchalant attitude towards punishments often makes me angrier. Show some emotion child. Let me know that what I’m proposing is actually a punishment.

I have yet to find something that works all the time. I usually have to assess the situation and decide on what seems worse at the time. Often I guess wrong, but sometimes I actually find something that is a punishment.

I'm so Done

On the weekend my family attended a dinner with some of my husband’s friends. One of his good friends has a nine-month old. She’s a sweet little thing, crawling around and pulling herself up.

My husband looked at me from across the room, where he was watching the baby, and says, “Let’s have another.”

Without hesitation, I responded, “No.”

He laughed because he wasn’t serious. We have agreed that we are done. Both of us are happy we had two children and have enjoyed every stage as they grow (at least so far).

I have no desire to go back to the start again.

Two of my cousins and my sister-in-law had babies this year and one of my close friends is pregnant with her first. I look forward to cuddling all those babies when I get to see them. I also look forward to handing them back to their parents and going home.

I lost three-years of sleep between my two girls – literally. If I got more than an hour sleep at a time during the first 18-months with either of them, it was a glorious day. I don’t intend to lose anymore sleep until my oldest daughter hits her teenage years.

Maybe I don’t yearn for a baby because I was so sleep deprived that I don’t remember what it was like except that I didn’t sleep and was a raving lunatic.

My youngest also just started school. Can you hear me cheering? I find four to be a magical age. They are now old enough to be more independent and entertain themselves for more than ten minutes at a time. While she entertains herself, I can do things uninterrupted, and sometimes complete the task, like folding laundry, sweeping or (gasp) sit down and read a chapter in a book. I’m looking forward to getting some semblance of my life and hobbies back.

I also started cleaning out the boxes and boxes of baby items in the attic, passing them on to family members who are having babies, friends and selling some. I have a box of toys at my store that I’m selling as I smuggle them out of the house.

I love babies and look forward to cuddling everyone else’s, but I am done.

(Now let’s hope I haven’t kicked fate too hard by professing all this.)

An Open Letter to Manufacturers and Suppliers of Children's Clothing

Dear Children’s Clothing Manufacturers and Suppliers,

In case you haven’t noticed, fall is just arriving now. I don’t need snow suits yet, instead my girls need fleece lined jackets and splash pants. While these were in abundance over a month ago when I was looking for t-shirts and shorts, there’s none to be found now.

I am a busy mom and don’t always check if my child’s jacket fits until she actually needs it. Then it’s finding time to get to the store to look for said jacket or other article of clothing they seem to have magically outgrown. This usually happens during the season the article is needed, not months before.

I wish I had time to sort through their closets and weed out everything that doesn’t fit in one shot. Unfortunately, that’s not the case (I think there’s still some size 2 items in my four-year-old drawer). In the morning, after my children get dressed and I look at them, hopefully before they head out the door, I see that pants are too small, shirts are a touch short or jackets don’t fit. I will admit that there have been times where we arrive at school and my older daughter hops out of the van and, to my surprise, she looks like she’s preparing for a flood

Clothing manufacturers and suppliers, I’m not as fast as you seem to think I am. Please stop forcing stores to purchase and put out seasonal items so far ahead of time, only to stop carrying them during the season they are needed so stores can’t reorder. You may actually make more money.

Have you ever tried finding a snow suit in March because you child has broken the zipper on hers? Or searching for splash pants in May? I guess not or you would understand.

Please stop rushing things, life goes too fast as it is.

Sincerely,
A mom who can’t shop as quickly as you think she should

P.S. The same goes for putting out Halloween items before back to school or Christmas items in September (yes Wal-Mart, I saw them yesterday!).

The Day Ruiner

No, Michael Buble, it’s not a beautiful day. I wish I could share your enthusiasm as you cheerfully croon on the radio. Not only it is the weather crappy and cold but I’ve been left feeling like a horrible mother again.

I know others out there relate, you’re not alone.

My youngest started junior kindergarten last week. Everything went well the first two days, no tears. On the third day she clung to me bawling. I had gone through this when she went to the local early learning program so I knew what to expect. It doesn’t make it any easier.

She bawled that she wanted to go home, practically begging me to take her away, which was a variation from before. When I told her she had to stay at school she sobbed, “No thank you.” Such manners.

The ‘take me home’ plea is a trap! If you do it once, they know it works. No matter how much you want to take your child home to make them feel better, don’t do it!

Luckily, as I sat on the bench consoling my daughter, a woman I know at the school walked by. Together, we managed to extract the bawling child from me. Her cries followed me out the door as I got back to my van.

And that’s the image I was left with for the whole day.

My husband had text the angel of a woman who took my crying child to see how things were going. Apparently, my daughter quit crying immediately after I left.

But, as any parent who has been through this knows, it doesn’t erase the memory of their little arms desperately clinging to you, pleading not to be left there.

My oldest daughter would skip off without a care, forgetting to say good-bye most mornings, so this has been an adjustment for me. I know it’s best to leave quickly and not draw it out, which is difficult.

This morning, it was the same scene, except she was crying before we even left the house. When I pulled up to the school she confidently says, “I’ll just wait in the van.” No my dear, you have to go to school. And cue more tears.

We immediately went to find the magic woman and my daughter went with her a little more willingly this morning.

I still feel horrible about leaving her so upset.

I went to Tim Horton’s, purchased a hot chocolate with a caramel flavour shot and looked longingly at the liquor store, wishing it was open so I could add a shot (probably half a bottle) of kahlua or Bailey’s to it.

I’ve been told she will adjust and it will get easier, but she did this at the early learning program every day for the whole school year, so I’m not holding out hope. I am very thankful to the school for being supportive, of course the magic woman who has taken my bawling daughter two mornings so far and to my oldest daughter who has been looking out for her little sister.

To all those parents out there experiencing the same thing, hang in there.

You’re not alone.

My Baby Started School

Today was the first day of school for my youngest daughter and it turned out like anything else done by a second child...things were overlooked.

It was a chaotic morning, more than usual. Of course, last night I forgot to prepare my daughter’s knapsack with extra clothes and indoor shoes, which I forgot at my store and had to pick up after I dropped my daughter off at school. With the extra running around I was a little more stressed than usual.

All morning I kept reminding myself of the first day of school picture. In the car my mother (who is visiting this week) says that she forgot to get a picture. I hang my head (not too long because I am driving), realizing I also forgot to take a picture.

Thank goodness for camera phones! I snapped a picture outside the school when she got out of the van.

We walked to her classroom, filled with potential new friends. My biggest concern was tears. Would she let me go? Thankfully, she already had a friend in the class and she was assigned a seat next to her. After some fast talking on my part, I managed to leave with no tears – for either of us.

When my oldest daughter started school, I actually had an anxiety attack. Full on couldn’t breathe and heart racing. It didn’t last long, but I was a bit of a wreck sending my baby off to school. At the time she was an only child and only three years old, being a December baby.

This time I was looking forward to it. Not only do they make friends and learn lots of stuff (not all of it good), but they acquire further independence. The teacher can’t cater to all twenty-something students, so they must learn to do more things by themselves. This independence carries over to home, usually.

Making two lunches will be the bane of my existence for many years, but my baby is now a big girl, which means that I will start gaining some semblance of myself back. I may even get to start doing some of the hobbies I used to enjoy.

Let’s not get too carried away. It’s only been one day after all.

Disillusioned Crushes

When I was a teenager I had crushes on several rock musicians. Who didn’t have a crush on a musician, actor, or other celebrity when they were young? You imagined how great life would be. He was everything you were looking for in a man – romantic, attentive, caring.

I had a big reality check several years ago about my teenage celebrity crushes – they definitely weren’t as great as I once thought.

I was reading Slash’s biography (guitarist for Guns N’ Roses for those of you who didn’t already know) and in a passage he was talking about the early days of the band when a few of them were living in a freight container. They were having a party and there was a girl they were taking turns with. GROSS!!!!!!

Though Slash was not one of my crushes, I did have a crush on another GN’R member. Upon reading that, not only did my stomach turn, but it dawned on me how dirty many of these rock stars are. They have had women upon women throwing themselves at them for years. I wonder if they can even guess the number of women they have been with. Nope, a history like that is definitely not for me.

Then I started watching the Bret Michaels (lead singer of Poison) reality show, Life As I Know It. I will admit having a huge crush on Bret Michaels as a teenager. I’m watching that show thinking that his partner has all the same problems as I do with my husband, plus some. Reality check #2: they are still men and do all those men things – probably with additional ones thrown in because they have the money to do crazy things.

My final reality check was thanks to Facebook.

Nuno Bettencourt (guitarist extraordinaire from Extreme). I’m going to admit to still crushing on him...don’t tell my husband. I follow him via Facebook, which would have blown me away when I was a teenager. He’s a fan of the selfie, which is okay, who doesn’t want to look at pictures of him.

Sorry, getting off topic...

Musicians are a little self-appreciating. Okay, let’s call it like it is, many are divas to some degree. I’m sorry, there’s only room for one diva in my world, which was me until my daughters were born. 

Sorry Nuno, I will still follow you though.

The moral of my story, they may be nice to look at, but guess what – they aren’t as great as we imagine them to be.

It reminds me of a quote from High Fidelity (great book and movie):

“The other girl, or other women, whatever. I mean, I was thinking that, they are just fantasies, you know? And they always seem really great, because there are never any problems. And if there are, they are the cute problems, like we bought each other the same Christmas present, or she wants to see a movie I’ve already seen, you know. Then I come home...and you and I have real problems, you don’t want to see a movie I want to see, period.”

That said, I would take my husband over my teenage celebrity crushes any day.