I'm Not Ready

My oldest daughter will be nine-years-old next month. Nine. Wow. Where did the time go?

She’s a sweet kid with a very kind heart, always creating something, dancing or singing. She has an array of costumes that she likes to put on and is a born actress. She’s always been independent and I like that because it will serve her well in life; though I wish she wouldn’t exercise it against me.

There’s a new aspect leaking into her nice disposition, darkening things a little. She has started foot stamping with fists clenched at her sides as she growls at me before stomping upstairs and slamming the door. And the mouth. She back talks me like she never has before. It’s not necessarily what she says, but how she says it (wait, I hear my mother’s voice saying the same thing about me so long ago). I have put limits on The Family Channel because when she watches too many of those shows with the perky, smart mouth children she starts acting like them.

I’m not ready to give up my little girl to the pre-teen years, forget about the teen years; I’m in total denial about those.

I’m not ready to deal with the drama. She’s always been dramatic, but most of it has been cute until more recently. So many things are now the end of the world and the drama between her friends is never ending. I remember what it was like, maybe that’s why I’m so terrified. I survived it once and never want to go back.

She has started busting out, “I hate my life.” Oh boy, if you only knew how bad some children have it. She has told me I’m a mean mom. When this happens, I fix her with the “you want to challenge me?” glare and say, “You think I’m mean? You haven’t seen anything yet. Keep pushing and I’ll show you mean.” That tends to quiet her down. I am very thankful I haven’t heard, “I hate you.” At least not yet.

I know she’s trying to assert herself as an individual and I’m all for self-exploration and being who you are. I let her wear what she wants, providing it’s age and weather appropriate, and encourage her to explore different activities. She accused me of not letting her be herself, which almost made me fall over. Her reason was that I didn’t let her talk the way she wanted. I had to explain that it’s fine to talk however she wants as long as it’s not rude or disrespectful.

When I talk to my mother about these emerging pre-teen qualities, she laughs, quite hard actually, and tells me it’s my karma. I remember being a crazed teenage bitch, screaming that life wasn’t fair. I had hoped my daughter would miraculously avoid it, or at least go through a severely toned down version. I cringe when I think of what is to come and wonder how I will make it through.

I've always said the older she gets, the more fun she is. As she grows, we are able to do more things together and that will continue.  There are movies I look forward to watching with her, books I want to share, and places I long to take her.  Hopefully,  we can find some peace through sharing.

Let Our Kids Out of The Box

My husband and I never define activities by gender or tell our children they can’t do something because they are girls. As my daughter nears her pre-teen years, she is increasingly concerned about doing ‘girl things’ and not ‘boy things’. She has asked me on a few occasions if I thought an activity was boyish or if she was a tom-boy for doing something because she wants to be a ‘girly girl’.

Recently, a friend told me that her daughter doesn’t wear dresses, often wears a ball cap and doesn’t like to paint her nails. I just nodded, not seeing an issue with it, until she also told me that her daughter was told that ‘real girls’ aren’t like that.

Real girls? Really?

Why are we still limiting our children?

That's the wonderful thing about children - anything is possible.

Plus, life is hard enough without being made to think something is wrong because you don’t like stereotypical gender activities.

I was floored when my friend told me that her daughter had been told that. I believe everyone should be allowed to be who they are (as long as you are not harming anyone) and am very big on individuality (I can see all those who know me nodding emphatically). I like being different, but not everyone has that courage, and to be honest, I didn’t always either.

Why can’t girls play hockey and still wear dresses and like to have their nails done? Why can’t girls have very short hair and like to race dirt bikes or snowmobiles? Why do girls have to wear dresses at all?

Because of the problems with bullying, there has been a big push encouraging youth to be who they are. Despite this, we are still limiting who our children with a few simple words like, “Real girls don’t do...” or “Girls can’t....”. It seems society encourages people to be their unique, individual selves as long as they still fit into the gender stereotypes. How hypocritical is that?

Since I don’t have boys, I can’t speak as much on their pressures, but I know there are still limits put on them. How many boys take dance classes like ballet or tap without being teased? I’m always so proud of the boys I see that get on stage as part of the local dance school.

My mother always told me that I could do anything I wanted. She never put limits on my ambitions, even when I wanted to be a rock star – though I bet she was happy when that dream faded. I try to encourage my girls, or any child, to be who they are and follow their dreams. Even when my daughter wanted to be a ballerina-ninja, I told her she would be the first of her kind.

It’s important to allow our children to be who they are and give them the courage to break away from tradition so they can be happy doing what they love. That courage to not follow others will serve them well through life.

Go Ahead, Punish Me

My oldest is driving me nuts when it comes to finding a punishment that works. No matter what I try, it doesn’t seem to bother her. She’s eight now and I need to find something that works soon because she’s heading into the preteen years.

When she was two-years old, I would tell her, “If you don’t stop that, you will get a time out.” Her reply: “I want a time out.” Sure enough, when she ended up in time out, she sat on the step and entertained herself. Rarely has she cried or been upset to be put in time out. The threat of time out hasn’t been a deterrent for misbehaving.

I tried taking away whatever she was immediately involved with – a toy, the televisions, crafts. She would be upset for a short time and then head off to do something else. She would sometimes go without the toy or craft items for weeks before I remembered to give them back. Usually she would lose the television for the rest of the day or a of couple days, but she didn’t care much, she would just go play in her room.

Grounding has been met with the same response. No television or computer for a week, that’s fine, she occupies herself in her room. No friends for a week, that’s okay, she likes to play alone anyway.

The other night I told her that she would lose the television for the weekend if she didn’t stop misbehaving. She said, “Okay.”

Her nonchalant attitude towards punishments often makes me angrier. Show some emotion child. Let me know that what I’m proposing is actually a punishment.

I have yet to find something that works all the time. I usually have to assess the situation and decide on what seems worse at the time. Often I guess wrong, but sometimes I actually find something that is a punishment.

I'm so Done

On the weekend my family attended a dinner with some of my husband’s friends. One of his good friends has a nine-month old. She’s a sweet little thing, crawling around and pulling herself up.

My husband looked at me from across the room, where he was watching the baby, and says, “Let’s have another.”

Without hesitation, I responded, “No.”

He laughed because he wasn’t serious. We have agreed that we are done. Both of us are happy we had two children and have enjoyed every stage as they grow (at least so far).

I have no desire to go back to the start again.

Two of my cousins and my sister-in-law had babies this year and one of my close friends is pregnant with her first. I look forward to cuddling all those babies when I get to see them. I also look forward to handing them back to their parents and going home.

I lost three-years of sleep between my two girls – literally. If I got more than an hour sleep at a time during the first 18-months with either of them, it was a glorious day. I don’t intend to lose anymore sleep until my oldest daughter hits her teenage years.

Maybe I don’t yearn for a baby because I was so sleep deprived that I don’t remember what it was like except that I didn’t sleep and was a raving lunatic.

My youngest also just started school. Can you hear me cheering? I find four to be a magical age. They are now old enough to be more independent and entertain themselves for more than ten minutes at a time. While she entertains herself, I can do things uninterrupted, and sometimes complete the task, like folding laundry, sweeping or (gasp) sit down and read a chapter in a book. I’m looking forward to getting some semblance of my life and hobbies back.

I also started cleaning out the boxes and boxes of baby items in the attic, passing them on to family members who are having babies, friends and selling some. I have a box of toys at my store that I’m selling as I smuggle them out of the house.

I love babies and look forward to cuddling everyone else’s, but I am done.

(Now let’s hope I haven’t kicked fate too hard by professing all this.)

An Open Letter to Manufacturers and Suppliers of Children's Clothing

Dear Children’s Clothing Manufacturers and Suppliers,

In case you haven’t noticed, fall is just arriving now. I don’t need snow suits yet, instead my girls need fleece lined jackets and splash pants. While these were in abundance over a month ago when I was looking for t-shirts and shorts, there’s none to be found now.

I am a busy mom and don’t always check if my child’s jacket fits until she actually needs it. Then it’s finding time to get to the store to look for said jacket or other article of clothing they seem to have magically outgrown. This usually happens during the season the article is needed, not months before.

I wish I had time to sort through their closets and weed out everything that doesn’t fit in one shot. Unfortunately, that’s not the case (I think there’s still some size 2 items in my four-year-old drawer). In the morning, after my children get dressed and I look at them, hopefully before they head out the door, I see that pants are too small, shirts are a touch short or jackets don’t fit. I will admit that there have been times where we arrive at school and my older daughter hops out of the van and, to my surprise, she looks like she’s preparing for a flood

Clothing manufacturers and suppliers, I’m not as fast as you seem to think I am. Please stop forcing stores to purchase and put out seasonal items so far ahead of time, only to stop carrying them during the season they are needed so stores can’t reorder. You may actually make more money.

Have you ever tried finding a snow suit in March because you child has broken the zipper on hers? Or searching for splash pants in May? I guess not or you would understand.

Please stop rushing things, life goes too fast as it is.

Sincerely,
A mom who can’t shop as quickly as you think she should

P.S. The same goes for putting out Halloween items before back to school or Christmas items in September (yes Wal-Mart, I saw them yesterday!).

The Day Ruiner

No, Michael Buble, it’s not a beautiful day. I wish I could share your enthusiasm as you cheerfully croon on the radio. Not only it is the weather crappy and cold but I’ve been left feeling like a horrible mother again.

I know others out there relate, you’re not alone.

My youngest started junior kindergarten last week. Everything went well the first two days, no tears. On the third day she clung to me bawling. I had gone through this when she went to the local early learning program so I knew what to expect. It doesn’t make it any easier.

She bawled that she wanted to go home, practically begging me to take her away, which was a variation from before. When I told her she had to stay at school she sobbed, “No thank you.” Such manners.

The ‘take me home’ plea is a trap! If you do it once, they know it works. No matter how much you want to take your child home to make them feel better, don’t do it!

Luckily, as I sat on the bench consoling my daughter, a woman I know at the school walked by. Together, we managed to extract the bawling child from me. Her cries followed me out the door as I got back to my van.

And that’s the image I was left with for the whole day.

My husband had text the angel of a woman who took my crying child to see how things were going. Apparently, my daughter quit crying immediately after I left.

But, as any parent who has been through this knows, it doesn’t erase the memory of their little arms desperately clinging to you, pleading not to be left there.

My oldest daughter would skip off without a care, forgetting to say good-bye most mornings, so this has been an adjustment for me. I know it’s best to leave quickly and not draw it out, which is difficult.

This morning, it was the same scene, except she was crying before we even left the house. When I pulled up to the school she confidently says, “I’ll just wait in the van.” No my dear, you have to go to school. And cue more tears.

We immediately went to find the magic woman and my daughter went with her a little more willingly this morning.

I still feel horrible about leaving her so upset.

I went to Tim Horton’s, purchased a hot chocolate with a caramel flavour shot and looked longingly at the liquor store, wishing it was open so I could add a shot (probably half a bottle) of kahlua or Bailey’s to it.

I’ve been told she will adjust and it will get easier, but she did this at the early learning program every day for the whole school year, so I’m not holding out hope. I am very thankful to the school for being supportive, of course the magic woman who has taken my bawling daughter two mornings so far and to my oldest daughter who has been looking out for her little sister.

To all those parents out there experiencing the same thing, hang in there.

You’re not alone.

My Baby Started School

Today was the first day of school for my youngest daughter and it turned out like anything else done by a second child...things were overlooked.

It was a chaotic morning, more than usual. Of course, last night I forgot to prepare my daughter’s knapsack with extra clothes and indoor shoes, which I forgot at my store and had to pick up after I dropped my daughter off at school. With the extra running around I was a little more stressed than usual.

All morning I kept reminding myself of the first day of school picture. In the car my mother (who is visiting this week) says that she forgot to get a picture. I hang my head (not too long because I am driving), realizing I also forgot to take a picture.

Thank goodness for camera phones! I snapped a picture outside the school when she got out of the van.

We walked to her classroom, filled with potential new friends. My biggest concern was tears. Would she let me go? Thankfully, she already had a friend in the class and she was assigned a seat next to her. After some fast talking on my part, I managed to leave with no tears – for either of us.

When my oldest daughter started school, I actually had an anxiety attack. Full on couldn’t breathe and heart racing. It didn’t last long, but I was a bit of a wreck sending my baby off to school. At the time she was an only child and only three years old, being a December baby.

This time I was looking forward to it. Not only do they make friends and learn lots of stuff (not all of it good), but they acquire further independence. The teacher can’t cater to all twenty-something students, so they must learn to do more things by themselves. This independence carries over to home, usually.

Making two lunches will be the bane of my existence for many years, but my baby is now a big girl, which means that I will start gaining some semblance of myself back. I may even get to start doing some of the hobbies I used to enjoy.

Let’s not get too carried away. It’s only been one day after all.

Disillusioned Crushes

When I was a teenager I had crushes on several rock musicians. Who didn’t have a crush on a musician, actor, or other celebrity when they were young? You imagined how great life would be. He was everything you were looking for in a man – romantic, attentive, caring.

I had a big reality check several years ago about my teenage celebrity crushes – they definitely weren’t as great as I once thought.

I was reading Slash’s biography (guitarist for Guns N’ Roses for those of you who didn’t already know) and in a passage he was talking about the early days of the band when a few of them were living in a freight container. They were having a party and there was a girl they were taking turns with. GROSS!!!!!!

Though Slash was not one of my crushes, I did have a crush on another GN’R member. Upon reading that, not only did my stomach turn, but it dawned on me how dirty many of these rock stars are. They have had women upon women throwing themselves at them for years. I wonder if they can even guess the number of women they have been with. Nope, a history like that is definitely not for me.

Then I started watching the Bret Michaels (lead singer of Poison) reality show, Life As I Know It. I will admit having a huge crush on Bret Michaels as a teenager. I’m watching that show thinking that his partner has all the same problems as I do with my husband, plus some. Reality check #2: they are still men and do all those men things – probably with additional ones thrown in because they have the money to do crazy things.

My final reality check was thanks to Facebook.

Nuno Bettencourt (guitarist extraordinaire from Extreme). I’m going to admit to still crushing on him...don’t tell my husband. I follow him via Facebook, which would have blown me away when I was a teenager. He’s a fan of the selfie, which is okay, who doesn’t want to look at pictures of him.

Sorry, getting off topic...

Musicians are a little self-appreciating. Okay, let’s call it like it is, many are divas to some degree. I’m sorry, there’s only room for one diva in my world, which was me until my daughters were born. 

Sorry Nuno, I will still follow you though.

The moral of my story, they may be nice to look at, but guess what – they aren’t as great as we imagine them to be.

It reminds me of a quote from High Fidelity (great book and movie):

“The other girl, or other women, whatever. I mean, I was thinking that, they are just fantasies, you know? And they always seem really great, because there are never any problems. And if there are, they are the cute problems, like we bought each other the same Christmas present, or she wants to see a movie I’ve already seen, you know. Then I come home...and you and I have real problems, you don’t want to see a movie I want to see, period.”

That said, I would take my husband over my teenage celebrity crushes any day.

I’ll Do Better Tomorrow

 

Several months ago I found myself stuck in the guilt cycle. I was unhappy with several aspects of my parenting and felt guilty and frustrated about it, which lead to more of that behaviour. Talking to other parents I know this is fairly common, so I wanted to share my experience.

How many feel like you yell at your children too much? Don’t be shy, raise that hand. Well, I was in that boat too and I hated it. The frustration with myself would build and I would end up yelling more. I also believe that I’m way to hard on my oldest child, which added to my guilt and frustration.

There were nights that I would go to bed and cry because I was so upset with myself. I wanted to do better but didn’t know how or believed it was too late, that I had already messed everything up. The next day I was back on the same path.

Round and round it went until one night I resolved that tomorrow would be a new beginning. I gave myself permission to let go of the past. It wasn’t too late to change.

The next day was a little better but I still didn’t do enough. That night I felt guilty again, but again I resolved that I would do better tomorrow. I repeated that several times.

Each day I would try and every night I vowed to do better tomorrow. Things improved and I was able to release the guilt, which made me less frustrated, which led to less yelling.

I’m not saying I’m perfect and I don’t get frustrated and upset with my children at times. I have managed to release some of my own baggage that was causing additional stress.

It’s a process. We can’t change over night. We need to accept that we aren’t perfect and give ourselves room for mistakes. When we slip, it’s important that we learn from it and move on without beating ourselves up too much. Parenting is hard enough without being down on ourselves all the time.

Remember – tomorrow is another day and you can do better tomorrow.

Where Have I Been?

 

I have been MIA for some time now and my blog hasn’t been far from my thoughts.

After losing my job I took a bit of time to weigh my realistic options – which are a little restricted when you have a family and live in a location with limited career and education options. I did what I had been looking into doing for years, opening my own business.

This was a frightening endeavour, especially since my husband’s salary could not support us completely if I wasn’t earning anything. I was lucky to be accepted to a government program (Self-Employment Benefits program) which provided me with a base salary for 10 months while establishing my new business.

This has definitely been both an advantage and a hardship.

Since I have a retail store and I am the only one working most days, once I’m at the store I can’t leave unless I lock up.With two kids in the morning it’s a challenge to run any errands. I’m becoming an expert at speed shopping. I’m thankful my husband will run some errands for me after he finishes work and before he picks up our youngest to take her home for lunch.

After closing the store at 5 p.m. I rush home to start dinner, or take over preparations, so we can eat as soon as possible to ensure everyone gets baths or anything else that needs to be done before bedtime. It’s also because if we don’t feed our youngest by about 5:30 she becomes a miserable creature that must be some sort of clone of our little girl who is usually quick to smile and laugh. My sister calls it “hangry” – so hungry she is angry.

Our vacation time is also limited in a way. I have a trustworthy person to tend to the store on Saturdays and if I go away, which I am thankful for. As a newer business I don’t have a huge flow of money so if I go away for a week instead of paying for new merchandise I’m paying someone to work. This is often a tough decision. On the flip side – I have the option of taking time off when I would like (pending my worker’s availability) and doing things with my girls. I was able to go to on school outings with my oldest daughter’s class or take time off when my family comes to visit. As long as I use my days off wisely then it’s worth the cost.

Another huge advantage is that I can take my kids to work with me. This is not something I like to do often because my store is just like a huge play area for them. If I’m going to bring them, I try to only have one at a time because if they are both there they are usually fighting, yelling and, at any given time, one of them is crying. I’m sure this makes a great impression on my customers. Gee…this is starting to seem like a huge disadvantage.

It’s nice not to have to scramble for a babysitter though if one of the girls is a little under-the-weather and can’t go to school. I can just bring her to work with me until her father comes to get her – which is usually by 11 a.m. Even on P.D. days, I have the option of bringing them with me (as I grit my teeth while my littlest one lets out an ear piercing scream with a store full of customers or one of them storms out of the back room screaming that her sister committed some horrible offense) until their father finishes work and gets to take them both home to experience the same things except in without the audience of random customers.

Being your own boss is a blessing and a curse. If I had a rough morning getting the kids out the door for school, I can pick up a hot chocolate and a muffin on my way to work and spend an hour eating it. Of course it’s likely to be interrupted by various customers coming into the store but at least I don’t have anyone screaming “MOM!” or “MOMMY!” every few minutes. Sometimes I’m lucky and get to sit down to enjoy my treat for 15 minutes before I have to open the store.

Despite the challenges, I’m happy with the decision. I will have been open two years this fall (that went fast!). My family has been supportive and my husband has stepped up to help me when and where he can. My oldest even likes to help out at the store by greeting and attempting to assist customers when they come in. She says she wants to work there when she grows up…let’s hope the alternate career option of a ninja-ballerina works out.

That’s where I have been and I hope to continue chronicling my adventures here.