Soccer Fun

Watching young children play sports is very entertaining. They are there to play because it’s fun and don’t worry too much about winning, most of the time they have no idea what the score is.

My daughter is trying soccer again this year. She was four the first year she played and often spent more time picking flowers, socializing with other players – regardless of which team they were on, and taking water breaks. She wasn’t that into the game so last year she didn’t play.

This year she wanted to try again so my husband and I signed her up.

There is still some flower picking, usually when she’s in goal, but lots of children are in their own little worlds when they are in the goalie net and the action of away from them. I’ve seen kids trying to climb the mesh or watching the game going on in the next field.

There are any number of things one can see on the soccer field when young children are playing including a child giving a teammate a piggy back during play, a child spinning in the middle of the field, two children – usually girls – discussing some part of their uniform, and a child looking around as though unsure what to do.

One of my favourite occurrences is when all the kids gather around the ball. They don’t quite understand how to find an open space away from the action so the ball can be passed to them, then again the child with the ball often doesn’t realize that he or she can pass it and keeps running towards the opponents goal. I laugh when a child steals a ball from a teammate, which happens all the time.

We are lucky the coaches for our daughter’s team want the kids to have fun. They work with the team on the rules of the game and skills but they don’t get upset when the children are fooling around or make mistakes. Unfortunately, there are some parents who expect quite a lot from the kids at this age and are constantly yelling at the children on the field about positions and paying attention, even children who aren’t their own. It’s really frustrating to hear.

There’s lots of time for the children to become super-competitive and want to play the game to win as opposed to doing it just to have fun. Let’s allow the kids have fun while they can and enjoy the innocent way they play the game.

How Family Friendly Are We?

I often wonder how family friendly our society is. We have evolved and continue to improve, but I think we still have a long way to go in regards to both services offered and the way parents with young children are viewed or treated. Usually places that say they are family friendly don’t count on parents bringing infants or toddlers or don’t think about the needs associated with them. This is why it can be a bit of a pain to attempt to take young children places, unless it’s a quick outing.

People are almost penalized for having a family right from the start. In Canada, women can take a year off for maternity leave and receive money from the federal government. The year off is great, but you’re only making about 55% of your pay, unless your employer tops it up, and you cannot file for it until you are already on maternity leave, which results in a waiting period of at least two weeks. How does that make sense? Bills don’t decrease when you have a baby and you have numerous extra expenses, yet you only get a portion of your regular pay. It is better than the United States where a woman gets six-weeks off and can only take maternity leave if she has health coverage.

What this treatment says to me is that the government doesn’t care about giving babies/young children the best start they can get by having a parent home, instead all the government is concerned about is how much you contribute to society through work. Governments wonder why our birthrate is declining, is it that hard to see why? Canada and the U.S. can learn something from some European countries that offer longer leaves and offer 80-100% of the mother’s pay. In some cases, the father is also given the opportunity for a paid leave at the same time as the mother.

Someone I know, who is not married and has no children, once said that people with babies and young children should not go out to restaurants because they disturbed people’s dinner. Are you serious? Because I have kids, I’m not allowed an evening out with them? I do not allow my children to run around a restaurant and try to keep them from talking to people at the tables around us so they don’t disturb someone else’s dinner, but they are children and they will make noise and occasionally have a meltdown. Children are a part of our world so those who have a problem with children dining (and I use that term loosely when it comes to the children because mine don’t usually eat much when we’re out) at a restaurant, get over it. I am allowed to treat my child to a meal in a restaurant that’s not McDonald’s.

Many establishments could do a better job of accommodating families by offering some basic services. Changing a diaper is a necessity when you have a young child but facilities are not available everywhere. Large franchises or malls usually offer a plastic change station that’s mounted on the wall with an empty dispenser for sanitary coverings for the table, or, if you’re really lucky, there will be a family bathroom that can be used by either parent. Smaller restaurants are hit and miss, which could leave you changing your child’s diaper in the vehicle, an adventure all its own. We have a 7-hour drive with our children when we go visit our families and have learned where to stop along the way to have a break and change a diaper. In the area of change stations, our society is improving.

Food on the other hand needs some work. Many restaurants offer a children’s menu, which is fine if your child is four years old or older. When I’m trying to feed my 21 month old, it’s a challenge. You want something relatively healthy (preferably not greasy French-fries), that is safe for her to eat, and doesn’t bother her GERD. Pasta without sauce is usually a good choice and if I can get some vegetables, that’s a bonus. When the food arrives, the portions are huge. My little one eats a lot, but there’s no way she eats a restaurant portion. It would be nice if restaurants kept babies and toddlers in mind when developing a children’s menu and maybe offered some ½ portions.

If you’re travelling with an infant who breastfeeds, have fun. Breastfeeding in the vehicle is always an option, but not always the most comfortable. I was not shy to breastfeed discretely in public with the attitude, “I breastfeed, get over it.” Even in a society as progressive as ours, there are still people who have a problem with public breastfeeding, even if the mother is not revealing her breasts. I know women who have been asked to stop breastfeeding in a public place or asked to leave an establishment when they were breastfeeding. There is nothing wrong with breastfeeding in public, in fact it’s the right of a mother to do so.

Very few locations offer a place for a mother to breastfeed, unless it’s in the middle of the store or restaurant. Our new Wal-Mart has a little concrete bench, which was not very good when I tried it. It was so narrow I kept bumping into the change table beside it and worried about smacking my little ones head on the wall. Thanks for the try Wal-Mart.

There is a movement in Timiskaming to do more to support families with young children. Our local Best Start program along with other partners including the local health unit, is promoting an initiative that encourages establishments to be breastfeeding friendly and to offer change stations. This is a very positive step, especially for smaller communities where it can be harder to find a place to feed or change your baby. The local Early Years Centre also started a tent at our local fall fair for children under the age of six and families that offered a place to change or feed infants and activities for young children. Imagine looking for a place to change a baby at a fair in a small town, not something that is usually possible.

Some malls are also stepping up and offering more facilities to families with young children. I was very impressed with Sherway Gardens in Toronto. I was shopping there when my first child was a baby and needed to feed her. There are spacious family rooms and breastfeeding rooms that have very comfortable chairs and nice change stations. It made me feel very welcome. The Sears store in Sherway Gardens also offered a breastfeeding room, which I used once when we were there having family pictures done. I was also pleasantly surprised when I went into a bathroom at the Northgate Shopping Centre and they had a smaller toilet just the right size for my 6-year old daughter.

It is nice to see that we are moving forward and families with young children are made to feel more welcome in places, though we still have quite a way to go. People don’t want to be stuck at home with their children all the time, they want to take their children out to have fun, but to do that our society needs to work on meeting some basic needs, not ignoring them.

China and Tupperware

I went from saying I would never have children to having one child, then thinking she was so much fun that we should have a second. I figured it wouldn’t be too hard to incorporate another into the mix. A friend’s mother once told her, “One child is fun, two is work.” That is very true.

One of the biggest differences is how you treat situations. Someone I know summed it up perfectly when she quoted a friend, “The first child is like china and the second one like Tupperware.” It has nothing to do with how much you value your children. The idea is that with the first child, you worry about everything but with the second, not so much.

As a new parent, you are so cautious about everything that sometimes it boarders on paranoia, from making sure everything is properly sanitized to sleep to whether to put shoes on your baby or not. With one child, it’s also easier to cater to that child’s routine; you can decide on bedtimes, when to introduce certain foods, television shows or toys, and the activities the child will participate in.

When the second child comes along you’re in a constant state of flux. Your home life becomes ten times busier as you try to balance everyone’s needs and routines, especially since the children are at different stages with separate needs. I find that I often do whatever gets us through that time even if it means giving into something I wouldn’t normally. With the second child, you are also a little more confident in your parenting abilities and know that children are pretty durable so you don’t need to obsess about every little thing.

One of the most obvious ways to see the “china-Tupperware theory” is in pictures taken. I bet most parents with more than one child realize that there are tons of pictures of the first child and not quite as many of the next. It’s not because you don’t want the pictures, there’s just not as much time – or energy – to take them. I wanted pictures taken of our first daughter when she was about six-weeks, six-months, and yearly after that. With our second daughter, I wanted the same but it didn’t happen that way. Instead, pictures were done at four-months and one year. It was mostly because we didn’t travel with her much as it aggravated her GERD (acid reflux) and our oldest was in school (we have the pictures done when we travel to visit family in southern Ontario). I also took pictures of our first child the first time she wore several cute outfits, that didn’t happen with the second.

Another difference for us is bedtime. I was adamant that our first child go to bed on time every night, partially because she was up so many times through the night and partially because no matter what time she went to bed, she always woke up at the same time in the morning. She had a whole bedtime routine that included a bath, some quiet music, stories, and snuggles from the time she was about six-months old. When our little one came along it was a struggle to balance bedtimes. It could take a while to put the baby to bed so I had to choose between putting the older one to bed early, since she now goes right to bed and doesn’t get up, or let her stay up a little later until I got the baby to sleep. Bedtime became rather flexible.

As far as a bedtime routine for the little one, it’s not as involved as her older sister’s was since I’m getting both children ready for bed at the same time. Usually the little one is put in her pyjamas and left to play after her bath, then is read a story, gets some cuddles and is put to bed.

With two children, it’s hard to deny the younger one something if the older child is doing it, depending on the activity of course. I’m an oldest child and remember complaining to my mother that my younger sister was able to do things that I wasn’t allowed to go at her age. She said she understood because she was also the oldest of her sisters. I now know why this is.

I was very careful about what our oldest daughter watched on TV. She only watched Treehouse or CBC Kids for a long time. It wasn’t until the past year or so I started allowing her to watch other children’s channels. There’s no way I will be able to do the same thing with the youngest because she will often be in the same room while her older sister is watching a show.

The same thing also goes for food. A few years ago, someone told me about her family’s trip to the fair and how her youngest, who was around two at the time, was given cotton candy because the oldest had some. I took my time giving my daughter sweets and was surprised to hear she had allowed her little one to eat that. Now I get it. Our youngest will eat anything and always wants a piece of what you are eating. Unless her older sister is going to eat a treat in secret, the youngest often gets a small piece too. After six years, I know a little sugar isn’t going to hurt my 20-month old. I still limit what she gets though.

I also became a little more relaxed about toys. Our youngest often plays with her older sister’s toys or I’ll let her play with something I wouldn’t have allowed her older sister to play with at that age because it keeps her occupied for the moment. It’s also hard to continuously take toys away from the little one even if they aren’t quite age appropriate. I have always been careful about the smaller toys, like Polly Pockets, that pose a choking hazard.

My husband is the oldest of five and my mother-in-law has told me that she used to bundle up the youngest and tote him to baseball practice in the evenings regardless of bedtime. You don’t want to deny the older children their fun so you have to be flexible with the younger children.

One of my husband’s favourite stories is how his parents used to call him constantly when he went away to university, even when they knew he had class. When he came home at Thanksgiving, he asked his parents about this. They explained that he was the first of their children to be away from home and this was new for them too, and by the time the youngest of the five went to university, they wouldn’t care where he went. The youngest did go to university and wasn’t checked up on by his parents constantly. Was it because they didn’t care as much? No. By this time four of their children had gone away to university and they were more comfortable because they knew their children could care for themselves.

I have seen advantages to being the oldest and being the youngest through parenting. I also know now how difficult it was for my mom to keep things even between me and my sister. As parents, all we can do is try our best to keep things even; I won’t say fair, because that’s almost impossible.

Nice Is Not Wimpy

My husband and I are big on manners and treating others with respect and encourage these traits in both our girls.

Our oldest daughter is very sweet and thoughtful towards others. She has been a mother hen since she was able to understand how she could help. She has always wanted to help with babies and naturally gravitates to them if we are out.

When she was three, she was worried about the children shown in the World Vision commercials. When her Grade 1 teacher told me how my daughter often complimented classmates by telling them things such as they look nice or that she likes their hair, I was very touched. She is also very sympathetic and will often be the first to help another child in trouble or comfort a peer who is sad and/or crying. When she played soccer, she could often be found helping up a player who had fallen or one that was hurt and crying, no matter what team the child played for.

It is moving to see your child reaching out to help others.

There are times though when you wonder if raising a nice child is the right thing to do. Because they are so nice there are times when they can be taken advantage of or the victims of mean spirited children.

I’m not saying that my daughter doesn’t do mean things at times. All children try to test boundaries or say or do hurtful things because they don’t fully understand how it makes other children feel. For the most part young children are still driven by their own needs and desires, which can lead them to do things that are mean, but they aren’t intentionally being malicious.

I wasn’t keen on allowing my daughter to ride the school bus because I know what some children do on the bus and the way they talk. I thought four-years-old was too young, but eventually I gave in. She was so excited to ride the bus home that day. When she arrived, she was upset because two older boys had teased her about the hat she was wearing by telling her they were going to eat the little butterfly on the front. It broke my heart because she had been so excited and they took that away from her. She was reluctant to ride the bus again but, thankfully, she’s resilient and got back on. She rides the bus daily and, as I expected, has learned some inappropriate things from the older kids, but that’s part of growing up.

Another time during soccer practice, a boy was pretending he was going to kick my daughter’s ball every time she backed up to kick it. Later the same boy took a ball away from her because he had lost his. She came over to me crying and I told her that I saw what had happened and it wasn’t very nice. We found her another ball and she returned to the field. When she rejoined her group, she gave the ball to another teammate who needed one. What gets me is that boy didn’t need to take my daughter’s ball, if he asked she likely would have given it to him.

How do you walk that line between teaching your child to be nice while at the same time stand up for him/herself? I have spoken with other parents who have the same dilemma. It’s hard for young children to understand when they can be mean to stand up for themselves or use physical force against a peer, or even a parent’s worst fear – another adult.

I have heard that modern parents are raising wimpy children because we don’t make them tough by allowing them to be picked on or physically fight. Children will always tease each other or be mean at times and it’s important to teach our children how to deal with these incidents. It’s also important not to condone the behaviour.

As much as I want to teach my daughter how to tell someone off, give the finger to someone who bothers her, or, when it’s really bad, use physical force, I don’t. It is tempting at times. I try to teach her to deal with the situation in a non-confrontational way.

The first thing I tell her, especially if it’s a boy bothering her, is not to react. My daughter can be dramatic and easily offended, which makes her a target for people looking to get a reaction. I explain that they are bother her because they want her to yell and get upset so it’s important to not give into that and to tell the person to back off then turn away. If someone is bothering her on the playground, I tell her to just walk away and play with someone else.

There have been a couple times where a child was pushing or kicking at my daughter. I explained that in those cases it is okay to push the other child away so that she can get away and find a teacher. I think all children should be taught some basic self defense moves that involve deflecting, not striking someone.

I don’t think raising a nice child is raising a wimp. She will need to understand that being a nice person doesn’t mean you have to take someone else’s crap. The most important thing I can do for her is help her be confident enough so that she can continue to be thoughtful towards others and stand up for herself when she needs to.

Turning Setback Into Opportunity

It has been quite a while since I posted. I found a new job that was extremely busy and stressful for various reasons, and with my little one still not sleeping at night and caring for both of my children, I have been quite exhausted and stretched thin.

I didn’t realize how stressed I was until I lost my job almost two weeks ago.

After the initial shock and what-do-I-do-now panic subsided a bit, I felt a sense of freedom. I had been rushing for 10 months and now I could breathe! During that time I had been constantly frustrated, anxious, easily angered, and feeling like I was letting everyone down because I couldn’t get things done. The worst part is that I felt like a horrible mother because I frequently losing my temper with my children and didn’t have the time for them I wanted, which wasn’t fair to them.

As I look for a new job, I’m enjoying being home with my family. I’m not yelling at my six-year old that we are late and have to get out the door, instead I’m taking the extra time in the morning to do her hair the way she asks or cook her something special for breakfast. I’m not feeling as though I hardly see my 18-month old and become frustrated because she won’t go to sleep so I can get things ready for the next morning, instead I spend the whole day with her. I’m not snapping at my husband, instead I’m hoping to strengthen our relationship.

I still panic if I think too much about what I’m going to do to help financially support my family. It’s great to be home to care for my children and finally do all the cleaning that hasn’t been done in – no, I’m not going to admit how long it’s been – but bills still need to be paid and groceries and household items purchased along with necessities for two growing children. It’s not easy knowing that there’s only one income coming in that won’t cover expenses.

I believe this is an opportunity to decide what I want to do as a career/occupation instead of what I have to do. For several years, I was unsatisfied in the occupation I had but it’s always easier to stay where you are, especially when the employer is good to you and when the community doesn’t have an abundance of well paying jobs I’m qualified for. I felt like I had just gone with the flow and never really considered if this was where I wanted to be, then one morning you wake up and realize it’s near impossible to change things. Then I took a chance and made a career change, which obviously didn’t work out.

What do I want to do? Go back to school? Pursue a position in the same field I was just in? Start my own business? Join the circus? It’s frightening but at the same time liberating. I wish I had the option of taking a few months to decide, but as I mentioned above, money is needed.

While I search for my occupational calling, I will enjoy the most important calling in my life – caring for my family.