It has been quite a while since I posted. I found a new job that was extremely busy and stressful for various reasons, and with my little one still not sleeping at night and caring for both of my children, I have been quite exhausted and stretched thin.
I didn’t realize how stressed I was until I lost my job almost two weeks ago.
After the initial shock and what-do-I-do-now panic subsided a bit, I felt a sense of freedom. I had been rushing for 10 months and now I could breathe! During that time I had been constantly frustrated, anxious, easily angered, and feeling like I was letting everyone down because I couldn’t get things done. The worst part is that I felt like a horrible mother because I frequently losing my temper with my children and didn’t have the time for them I wanted, which wasn’t fair to them.
As I look for a new job, I’m enjoying being home with my family. I’m not yelling at my six-year old that we are late and have to get out the door, instead I’m taking the extra time in the morning to do her hair the way she asks or cook her something special for breakfast. I’m not feeling as though I hardly see my 18-month old and become frustrated because she won’t go to sleep so I can get things ready for the next morning, instead I spend the whole day with her. I’m not snapping at my husband, instead I’m hoping to strengthen our relationship.
I still panic if I think too much about what I’m going to do to help financially support my family. It’s great to be home to care for my children and finally do all the cleaning that hasn’t been done in – no, I’m not going to admit how long it’s been – but bills still need to be paid and groceries and household items purchased along with necessities for two growing children. It’s not easy knowing that there’s only one income coming in that won’t cover expenses.
I believe this is an opportunity to decide what I want to do as a career/occupation instead of what I have to do. For several years, I was unsatisfied in the occupation I had but it’s always easier to stay where you are, especially when the employer is good to you and when the community doesn’t have an abundance of well paying jobs I’m qualified for. I felt like I had just gone with the flow and never really considered if this was where I wanted to be, then one morning you wake up and realize it’s near impossible to change things. Then I took a chance and made a career change, which obviously didn’t work out.
What do I want to do? Go back to school? Pursue a position in the same field I was just in? Start my own business? Join the circus? It’s frightening but at the same time liberating. I wish I had the option of taking a few months to decide, but as I mentioned above, money is needed.
While I search for my occupational calling, I will enjoy the most important calling in my life – caring for my family.
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