My Baby Started School

Today was the first day of school for my youngest daughter and it turned out like anything else done by a second child...things were overlooked.

It was a chaotic morning, more than usual. Of course, last night I forgot to prepare my daughter’s knapsack with extra clothes and indoor shoes, which I forgot at my store and had to pick up after I dropped my daughter off at school. With the extra running around I was a little more stressed than usual.

All morning I kept reminding myself of the first day of school picture. In the car my mother (who is visiting this week) says that she forgot to get a picture. I hang my head (not too long because I am driving), realizing I also forgot to take a picture.

Thank goodness for camera phones! I snapped a picture outside the school when she got out of the van.

We walked to her classroom, filled with potential new friends. My biggest concern was tears. Would she let me go? Thankfully, she already had a friend in the class and she was assigned a seat next to her. After some fast talking on my part, I managed to leave with no tears – for either of us.

When my oldest daughter started school, I actually had an anxiety attack. Full on couldn’t breathe and heart racing. It didn’t last long, but I was a bit of a wreck sending my baby off to school. At the time she was an only child and only three years old, being a December baby.

This time I was looking forward to it. Not only do they make friends and learn lots of stuff (not all of it good), but they acquire further independence. The teacher can’t cater to all twenty-something students, so they must learn to do more things by themselves. This independence carries over to home, usually.

Making two lunches will be the bane of my existence for many years, but my baby is now a big girl, which means that I will start gaining some semblance of myself back. I may even get to start doing some of the hobbies I used to enjoy.

Let’s not get too carried away. It’s only been one day after all.

Disillusioned Crushes

When I was a teenager I had crushes on several rock musicians. Who didn’t have a crush on a musician, actor, or other celebrity when they were young? You imagined how great life would be. He was everything you were looking for in a man – romantic, attentive, caring.

I had a big reality check several years ago about my teenage celebrity crushes – they definitely weren’t as great as I once thought.

I was reading Slash’s biography (guitarist for Guns N’ Roses for those of you who didn’t already know) and in a passage he was talking about the early days of the band when a few of them were living in a freight container. They were having a party and there was a girl they were taking turns with. GROSS!!!!!!

Though Slash was not one of my crushes, I did have a crush on another GN’R member. Upon reading that, not only did my stomach turn, but it dawned on me how dirty many of these rock stars are. They have had women upon women throwing themselves at them for years. I wonder if they can even guess the number of women they have been with. Nope, a history like that is definitely not for me.

Then I started watching the Bret Michaels (lead singer of Poison) reality show, Life As I Know It. I will admit having a huge crush on Bret Michaels as a teenager. I’m watching that show thinking that his partner has all the same problems as I do with my husband, plus some. Reality check #2: they are still men and do all those men things – probably with additional ones thrown in because they have the money to do crazy things.

My final reality check was thanks to Facebook.

Nuno Bettencourt (guitarist extraordinaire from Extreme). I’m going to admit to still crushing on him...don’t tell my husband. I follow him via Facebook, which would have blown me away when I was a teenager. He’s a fan of the selfie, which is okay, who doesn’t want to look at pictures of him.

Sorry, getting off topic...

Musicians are a little self-appreciating. Okay, let’s call it like it is, many are divas to some degree. I’m sorry, there’s only room for one diva in my world, which was me until my daughters were born. 

Sorry Nuno, I will still follow you though.

The moral of my story, they may be nice to look at, but guess what – they aren’t as great as we imagine them to be.

It reminds me of a quote from High Fidelity (great book and movie):

“The other girl, or other women, whatever. I mean, I was thinking that, they are just fantasies, you know? And they always seem really great, because there are never any problems. And if there are, they are the cute problems, like we bought each other the same Christmas present, or she wants to see a movie I’ve already seen, you know. Then I come home...and you and I have real problems, you don’t want to see a movie I want to see, period.”

That said, I would take my husband over my teenage celebrity crushes any day.

I’ll Do Better Tomorrow

 

Several months ago I found myself stuck in the guilt cycle. I was unhappy with several aspects of my parenting and felt guilty and frustrated about it, which lead to more of that behaviour. Talking to other parents I know this is fairly common, so I wanted to share my experience.

How many feel like you yell at your children too much? Don’t be shy, raise that hand. Well, I was in that boat too and I hated it. The frustration with myself would build and I would end up yelling more. I also believe that I’m way to hard on my oldest child, which added to my guilt and frustration.

There were nights that I would go to bed and cry because I was so upset with myself. I wanted to do better but didn’t know how or believed it was too late, that I had already messed everything up. The next day I was back on the same path.

Round and round it went until one night I resolved that tomorrow would be a new beginning. I gave myself permission to let go of the past. It wasn’t too late to change.

The next day was a little better but I still didn’t do enough. That night I felt guilty again, but again I resolved that I would do better tomorrow. I repeated that several times.

Each day I would try and every night I vowed to do better tomorrow. Things improved and I was able to release the guilt, which made me less frustrated, which led to less yelling.

I’m not saying I’m perfect and I don’t get frustrated and upset with my children at times. I have managed to release some of my own baggage that was causing additional stress.

It’s a process. We can’t change over night. We need to accept that we aren’t perfect and give ourselves room for mistakes. When we slip, it’s important that we learn from it and move on without beating ourselves up too much. Parenting is hard enough without being down on ourselves all the time.

Remember – tomorrow is another day and you can do better tomorrow.

Where Have I Been?

 

I have been MIA for some time now and my blog hasn’t been far from my thoughts.

After losing my job I took a bit of time to weigh my realistic options – which are a little restricted when you have a family and live in a location with limited career and education options. I did what I had been looking into doing for years, opening my own business.

This was a frightening endeavour, especially since my husband’s salary could not support us completely if I wasn’t earning anything. I was lucky to be accepted to a government program (Self-Employment Benefits program) which provided me with a base salary for 10 months while establishing my new business.

This has definitely been both an advantage and a hardship.

Since I have a retail store and I am the only one working most days, once I’m at the store I can’t leave unless I lock up.With two kids in the morning it’s a challenge to run any errands. I’m becoming an expert at speed shopping. I’m thankful my husband will run some errands for me after he finishes work and before he picks up our youngest to take her home for lunch.

After closing the store at 5 p.m. I rush home to start dinner, or take over preparations, so we can eat as soon as possible to ensure everyone gets baths or anything else that needs to be done before bedtime. It’s also because if we don’t feed our youngest by about 5:30 she becomes a miserable creature that must be some sort of clone of our little girl who is usually quick to smile and laugh. My sister calls it “hangry” – so hungry she is angry.

Our vacation time is also limited in a way. I have a trustworthy person to tend to the store on Saturdays and if I go away, which I am thankful for. As a newer business I don’t have a huge flow of money so if I go away for a week instead of paying for new merchandise I’m paying someone to work. This is often a tough decision. On the flip side – I have the option of taking time off when I would like (pending my worker’s availability) and doing things with my girls. I was able to go to on school outings with my oldest daughter’s class or take time off when my family comes to visit. As long as I use my days off wisely then it’s worth the cost.

Another huge advantage is that I can take my kids to work with me. This is not something I like to do often because my store is just like a huge play area for them. If I’m going to bring them, I try to only have one at a time because if they are both there they are usually fighting, yelling and, at any given time, one of them is crying. I’m sure this makes a great impression on my customers. Gee…this is starting to seem like a huge disadvantage.

It’s nice not to have to scramble for a babysitter though if one of the girls is a little under-the-weather and can’t go to school. I can just bring her to work with me until her father comes to get her – which is usually by 11 a.m. Even on P.D. days, I have the option of bringing them with me (as I grit my teeth while my littlest one lets out an ear piercing scream with a store full of customers or one of them storms out of the back room screaming that her sister committed some horrible offense) until their father finishes work and gets to take them both home to experience the same things except in without the audience of random customers.

Being your own boss is a blessing and a curse. If I had a rough morning getting the kids out the door for school, I can pick up a hot chocolate and a muffin on my way to work and spend an hour eating it. Of course it’s likely to be interrupted by various customers coming into the store but at least I don’t have anyone screaming “MOM!” or “MOMMY!” every few minutes. Sometimes I’m lucky and get to sit down to enjoy my treat for 15 minutes before I have to open the store.

Despite the challenges, I’m happy with the decision. I will have been open two years this fall (that went fast!). My family has been supportive and my husband has stepped up to help me when and where he can. My oldest even likes to help out at the store by greeting and attempting to assist customers when they come in. She says she wants to work there when she grows up…let’s hope the alternate career option of a ninja-ballerina works out.

That’s where I have been and I hope to continue chronicling my adventures here.

Soccer Fun

Watching young children play sports is very entertaining. They are there to play because it’s fun and don’t worry too much about winning, most of the time they have no idea what the score is.

My daughter is trying soccer again this year. She was four the first year she played and often spent more time picking flowers, socializing with other players – regardless of which team they were on, and taking water breaks. She wasn’t that into the game so last year she didn’t play.

This year she wanted to try again so my husband and I signed her up.

There is still some flower picking, usually when she’s in goal, but lots of children are in their own little worlds when they are in the goalie net and the action of away from them. I’ve seen kids trying to climb the mesh or watching the game going on in the next field.

There are any number of things one can see on the soccer field when young children are playing including a child giving a teammate a piggy back during play, a child spinning in the middle of the field, two children – usually girls – discussing some part of their uniform, and a child looking around as though unsure what to do.

One of my favourite occurrences is when all the kids gather around the ball. They don’t quite understand how to find an open space away from the action so the ball can be passed to them, then again the child with the ball often doesn’t realize that he or she can pass it and keeps running towards the opponents goal. I laugh when a child steals a ball from a teammate, which happens all the time.

We are lucky the coaches for our daughter’s team want the kids to have fun. They work with the team on the rules of the game and skills but they don’t get upset when the children are fooling around or make mistakes. Unfortunately, there are some parents who expect quite a lot from the kids at this age and are constantly yelling at the children on the field about positions and paying attention, even children who aren’t their own. It’s really frustrating to hear.

There’s lots of time for the children to become super-competitive and want to play the game to win as opposed to doing it just to have fun. Let’s allow the kids have fun while they can and enjoy the innocent way they play the game.

How Family Friendly Are We?

I often wonder how family friendly our society is. We have evolved and continue to improve, but I think we still have a long way to go in regards to both services offered and the way parents with young children are viewed or treated. Usually places that say they are family friendly don’t count on parents bringing infants or toddlers or don’t think about the needs associated with them. This is why it can be a bit of a pain to attempt to take young children places, unless it’s a quick outing.

People are almost penalized for having a family right from the start. In Canada, women can take a year off for maternity leave and receive money from the federal government. The year off is great, but you’re only making about 55% of your pay, unless your employer tops it up, and you cannot file for it until you are already on maternity leave, which results in a waiting period of at least two weeks. How does that make sense? Bills don’t decrease when you have a baby and you have numerous extra expenses, yet you only get a portion of your regular pay. It is better than the United States where a woman gets six-weeks off and can only take maternity leave if she has health coverage.

What this treatment says to me is that the government doesn’t care about giving babies/young children the best start they can get by having a parent home, instead all the government is concerned about is how much you contribute to society through work. Governments wonder why our birthrate is declining, is it that hard to see why? Canada and the U.S. can learn something from some European countries that offer longer leaves and offer 80-100% of the mother’s pay. In some cases, the father is also given the opportunity for a paid leave at the same time as the mother.

Someone I know, who is not married and has no children, once said that people with babies and young children should not go out to restaurants because they disturbed people’s dinner. Are you serious? Because I have kids, I’m not allowed an evening out with them? I do not allow my children to run around a restaurant and try to keep them from talking to people at the tables around us so they don’t disturb someone else’s dinner, but they are children and they will make noise and occasionally have a meltdown. Children are a part of our world so those who have a problem with children dining (and I use that term loosely when it comes to the children because mine don’t usually eat much when we’re out) at a restaurant, get over it. I am allowed to treat my child to a meal in a restaurant that’s not McDonald’s.

Many establishments could do a better job of accommodating families by offering some basic services. Changing a diaper is a necessity when you have a young child but facilities are not available everywhere. Large franchises or malls usually offer a plastic change station that’s mounted on the wall with an empty dispenser for sanitary coverings for the table, or, if you’re really lucky, there will be a family bathroom that can be used by either parent. Smaller restaurants are hit and miss, which could leave you changing your child’s diaper in the vehicle, an adventure all its own. We have a 7-hour drive with our children when we go visit our families and have learned where to stop along the way to have a break and change a diaper. In the area of change stations, our society is improving.

Food on the other hand needs some work. Many restaurants offer a children’s menu, which is fine if your child is four years old or older. When I’m trying to feed my 21 month old, it’s a challenge. You want something relatively healthy (preferably not greasy French-fries), that is safe for her to eat, and doesn’t bother her GERD. Pasta without sauce is usually a good choice and if I can get some vegetables, that’s a bonus. When the food arrives, the portions are huge. My little one eats a lot, but there’s no way she eats a restaurant portion. It would be nice if restaurants kept babies and toddlers in mind when developing a children’s menu and maybe offered some ½ portions.

If you’re travelling with an infant who breastfeeds, have fun. Breastfeeding in the vehicle is always an option, but not always the most comfortable. I was not shy to breastfeed discretely in public with the attitude, “I breastfeed, get over it.” Even in a society as progressive as ours, there are still people who have a problem with public breastfeeding, even if the mother is not revealing her breasts. I know women who have been asked to stop breastfeeding in a public place or asked to leave an establishment when they were breastfeeding. There is nothing wrong with breastfeeding in public, in fact it’s the right of a mother to do so.

Very few locations offer a place for a mother to breastfeed, unless it’s in the middle of the store or restaurant. Our new Wal-Mart has a little concrete bench, which was not very good when I tried it. It was so narrow I kept bumping into the change table beside it and worried about smacking my little ones head on the wall. Thanks for the try Wal-Mart.

There is a movement in Timiskaming to do more to support families with young children. Our local Best Start program along with other partners including the local health unit, is promoting an initiative that encourages establishments to be breastfeeding friendly and to offer change stations. This is a very positive step, especially for smaller communities where it can be harder to find a place to feed or change your baby. The local Early Years Centre also started a tent at our local fall fair for children under the age of six and families that offered a place to change or feed infants and activities for young children. Imagine looking for a place to change a baby at a fair in a small town, not something that is usually possible.

Some malls are also stepping up and offering more facilities to families with young children. I was very impressed with Sherway Gardens in Toronto. I was shopping there when my first child was a baby and needed to feed her. There are spacious family rooms and breastfeeding rooms that have very comfortable chairs and nice change stations. It made me feel very welcome. The Sears store in Sherway Gardens also offered a breastfeeding room, which I used once when we were there having family pictures done. I was also pleasantly surprised when I went into a bathroom at the Northgate Shopping Centre and they had a smaller toilet just the right size for my 6-year old daughter.

It is nice to see that we are moving forward and families with young children are made to feel more welcome in places, though we still have quite a way to go. People don’t want to be stuck at home with their children all the time, they want to take their children out to have fun, but to do that our society needs to work on meeting some basic needs, not ignoring them.

China and Tupperware

I went from saying I would never have children to having one child, then thinking she was so much fun that we should have a second. I figured it wouldn’t be too hard to incorporate another into the mix. A friend’s mother once told her, “One child is fun, two is work.” That is very true.

One of the biggest differences is how you treat situations. Someone I know summed it up perfectly when she quoted a friend, “The first child is like china and the second one like Tupperware.” It has nothing to do with how much you value your children. The idea is that with the first child, you worry about everything but with the second, not so much.

As a new parent, you are so cautious about everything that sometimes it boarders on paranoia, from making sure everything is properly sanitized to sleep to whether to put shoes on your baby or not. With one child, it’s also easier to cater to that child’s routine; you can decide on bedtimes, when to introduce certain foods, television shows or toys, and the activities the child will participate in.

When the second child comes along you’re in a constant state of flux. Your home life becomes ten times busier as you try to balance everyone’s needs and routines, especially since the children are at different stages with separate needs. I find that I often do whatever gets us through that time even if it means giving into something I wouldn’t normally. With the second child, you are also a little more confident in your parenting abilities and know that children are pretty durable so you don’t need to obsess about every little thing.

One of the most obvious ways to see the “china-Tupperware theory” is in pictures taken. I bet most parents with more than one child realize that there are tons of pictures of the first child and not quite as many of the next. It’s not because you don’t want the pictures, there’s just not as much time – or energy – to take them. I wanted pictures taken of our first daughter when she was about six-weeks, six-months, and yearly after that. With our second daughter, I wanted the same but it didn’t happen that way. Instead, pictures were done at four-months and one year. It was mostly because we didn’t travel with her much as it aggravated her GERD (acid reflux) and our oldest was in school (we have the pictures done when we travel to visit family in southern Ontario). I also took pictures of our first child the first time she wore several cute outfits, that didn’t happen with the second.

Another difference for us is bedtime. I was adamant that our first child go to bed on time every night, partially because she was up so many times through the night and partially because no matter what time she went to bed, she always woke up at the same time in the morning. She had a whole bedtime routine that included a bath, some quiet music, stories, and snuggles from the time she was about six-months old. When our little one came along it was a struggle to balance bedtimes. It could take a while to put the baby to bed so I had to choose between putting the older one to bed early, since she now goes right to bed and doesn’t get up, or let her stay up a little later until I got the baby to sleep. Bedtime became rather flexible.

As far as a bedtime routine for the little one, it’s not as involved as her older sister’s was since I’m getting both children ready for bed at the same time. Usually the little one is put in her pyjamas and left to play after her bath, then is read a story, gets some cuddles and is put to bed.

With two children, it’s hard to deny the younger one something if the older child is doing it, depending on the activity of course. I’m an oldest child and remember complaining to my mother that my younger sister was able to do things that I wasn’t allowed to go at her age. She said she understood because she was also the oldest of her sisters. I now know why this is.

I was very careful about what our oldest daughter watched on TV. She only watched Treehouse or CBC Kids for a long time. It wasn’t until the past year or so I started allowing her to watch other children’s channels. There’s no way I will be able to do the same thing with the youngest because she will often be in the same room while her older sister is watching a show.

The same thing also goes for food. A few years ago, someone told me about her family’s trip to the fair and how her youngest, who was around two at the time, was given cotton candy because the oldest had some. I took my time giving my daughter sweets and was surprised to hear she had allowed her little one to eat that. Now I get it. Our youngest will eat anything and always wants a piece of what you are eating. Unless her older sister is going to eat a treat in secret, the youngest often gets a small piece too. After six years, I know a little sugar isn’t going to hurt my 20-month old. I still limit what she gets though.

I also became a little more relaxed about toys. Our youngest often plays with her older sister’s toys or I’ll let her play with something I wouldn’t have allowed her older sister to play with at that age because it keeps her occupied for the moment. It’s also hard to continuously take toys away from the little one even if they aren’t quite age appropriate. I have always been careful about the smaller toys, like Polly Pockets, that pose a choking hazard.

My husband is the oldest of five and my mother-in-law has told me that she used to bundle up the youngest and tote him to baseball practice in the evenings regardless of bedtime. You don’t want to deny the older children their fun so you have to be flexible with the younger children.

One of my husband’s favourite stories is how his parents used to call him constantly when he went away to university, even when they knew he had class. When he came home at Thanksgiving, he asked his parents about this. They explained that he was the first of their children to be away from home and this was new for them too, and by the time the youngest of the five went to university, they wouldn’t care where he went. The youngest did go to university and wasn’t checked up on by his parents constantly. Was it because they didn’t care as much? No. By this time four of their children had gone away to university and they were more comfortable because they knew their children could care for themselves.

I have seen advantages to being the oldest and being the youngest through parenting. I also know now how difficult it was for my mom to keep things even between me and my sister. As parents, all we can do is try our best to keep things even; I won’t say fair, because that’s almost impossible.