China and Tupperware

I went from saying I would never have children to having one child, then thinking she was so much fun that we should have a second. I figured it wouldn’t be too hard to incorporate another into the mix. A friend’s mother once told her, “One child is fun, two is work.” That is very true.

One of the biggest differences is how you treat situations. Someone I know summed it up perfectly when she quoted a friend, “The first child is like china and the second one like Tupperware.” It has nothing to do with how much you value your children. The idea is that with the first child, you worry about everything but with the second, not so much.

As a new parent, you are so cautious about everything that sometimes it boarders on paranoia, from making sure everything is properly sanitized to sleep to whether to put shoes on your baby or not. With one child, it’s also easier to cater to that child’s routine; you can decide on bedtimes, when to introduce certain foods, television shows or toys, and the activities the child will participate in.

When the second child comes along you’re in a constant state of flux. Your home life becomes ten times busier as you try to balance everyone’s needs and routines, especially since the children are at different stages with separate needs. I find that I often do whatever gets us through that time even if it means giving into something I wouldn’t normally. With the second child, you are also a little more confident in your parenting abilities and know that children are pretty durable so you don’t need to obsess about every little thing.

One of the most obvious ways to see the “china-Tupperware theory” is in pictures taken. I bet most parents with more than one child realize that there are tons of pictures of the first child and not quite as many of the next. It’s not because you don’t want the pictures, there’s just not as much time – or energy – to take them. I wanted pictures taken of our first daughter when she was about six-weeks, six-months, and yearly after that. With our second daughter, I wanted the same but it didn’t happen that way. Instead, pictures were done at four-months and one year. It was mostly because we didn’t travel with her much as it aggravated her GERD (acid reflux) and our oldest was in school (we have the pictures done when we travel to visit family in southern Ontario). I also took pictures of our first child the first time she wore several cute outfits, that didn’t happen with the second.

Another difference for us is bedtime. I was adamant that our first child go to bed on time every night, partially because she was up so many times through the night and partially because no matter what time she went to bed, she always woke up at the same time in the morning. She had a whole bedtime routine that included a bath, some quiet music, stories, and snuggles from the time she was about six-months old. When our little one came along it was a struggle to balance bedtimes. It could take a while to put the baby to bed so I had to choose between putting the older one to bed early, since she now goes right to bed and doesn’t get up, or let her stay up a little later until I got the baby to sleep. Bedtime became rather flexible.

As far as a bedtime routine for the little one, it’s not as involved as her older sister’s was since I’m getting both children ready for bed at the same time. Usually the little one is put in her pyjamas and left to play after her bath, then is read a story, gets some cuddles and is put to bed.

With two children, it’s hard to deny the younger one something if the older child is doing it, depending on the activity of course. I’m an oldest child and remember complaining to my mother that my younger sister was able to do things that I wasn’t allowed to go at her age. She said she understood because she was also the oldest of her sisters. I now know why this is.

I was very careful about what our oldest daughter watched on TV. She only watched Treehouse or CBC Kids for a long time. It wasn’t until the past year or so I started allowing her to watch other children’s channels. There’s no way I will be able to do the same thing with the youngest because she will often be in the same room while her older sister is watching a show.

The same thing also goes for food. A few years ago, someone told me about her family’s trip to the fair and how her youngest, who was around two at the time, was given cotton candy because the oldest had some. I took my time giving my daughter sweets and was surprised to hear she had allowed her little one to eat that. Now I get it. Our youngest will eat anything and always wants a piece of what you are eating. Unless her older sister is going to eat a treat in secret, the youngest often gets a small piece too. After six years, I know a little sugar isn’t going to hurt my 20-month old. I still limit what she gets though.

I also became a little more relaxed about toys. Our youngest often plays with her older sister’s toys or I’ll let her play with something I wouldn’t have allowed her older sister to play with at that age because it keeps her occupied for the moment. It’s also hard to continuously take toys away from the little one even if they aren’t quite age appropriate. I have always been careful about the smaller toys, like Polly Pockets, that pose a choking hazard.

My husband is the oldest of five and my mother-in-law has told me that she used to bundle up the youngest and tote him to baseball practice in the evenings regardless of bedtime. You don’t want to deny the older children their fun so you have to be flexible with the younger children.

One of my husband’s favourite stories is how his parents used to call him constantly when he went away to university, even when they knew he had class. When he came home at Thanksgiving, he asked his parents about this. They explained that he was the first of their children to be away from home and this was new for them too, and by the time the youngest of the five went to university, they wouldn’t care where he went. The youngest did go to university and wasn’t checked up on by his parents constantly. Was it because they didn’t care as much? No. By this time four of their children had gone away to university and they were more comfortable because they knew their children could care for themselves.

I have seen advantages to being the oldest and being the youngest through parenting. I also know now how difficult it was for my mom to keep things even between me and my sister. As parents, all we can do is try our best to keep things even; I won’t say fair, because that’s almost impossible.

Nice Is Not Wimpy

My husband and I are big on manners and treating others with respect and encourage these traits in both our girls.

Our oldest daughter is very sweet and thoughtful towards others. She has been a mother hen since she was able to understand how she could help. She has always wanted to help with babies and naturally gravitates to them if we are out.

When she was three, she was worried about the children shown in the World Vision commercials. When her Grade 1 teacher told me how my daughter often complimented classmates by telling them things such as they look nice or that she likes their hair, I was very touched. She is also very sympathetic and will often be the first to help another child in trouble or comfort a peer who is sad and/or crying. When she played soccer, she could often be found helping up a player who had fallen or one that was hurt and crying, no matter what team the child played for.

It is moving to see your child reaching out to help others.

There are times though when you wonder if raising a nice child is the right thing to do. Because they are so nice there are times when they can be taken advantage of or the victims of mean spirited children.

I’m not saying that my daughter doesn’t do mean things at times. All children try to test boundaries or say or do hurtful things because they don’t fully understand how it makes other children feel. For the most part young children are still driven by their own needs and desires, which can lead them to do things that are mean, but they aren’t intentionally being malicious.

I wasn’t keen on allowing my daughter to ride the school bus because I know what some children do on the bus and the way they talk. I thought four-years-old was too young, but eventually I gave in. She was so excited to ride the bus home that day. When she arrived, she was upset because two older boys had teased her about the hat she was wearing by telling her they were going to eat the little butterfly on the front. It broke my heart because she had been so excited and they took that away from her. She was reluctant to ride the bus again but, thankfully, she’s resilient and got back on. She rides the bus daily and, as I expected, has learned some inappropriate things from the older kids, but that’s part of growing up.

Another time during soccer practice, a boy was pretending he was going to kick my daughter’s ball every time she backed up to kick it. Later the same boy took a ball away from her because he had lost his. She came over to me crying and I told her that I saw what had happened and it wasn’t very nice. We found her another ball and she returned to the field. When she rejoined her group, she gave the ball to another teammate who needed one. What gets me is that boy didn’t need to take my daughter’s ball, if he asked she likely would have given it to him.

How do you walk that line between teaching your child to be nice while at the same time stand up for him/herself? I have spoken with other parents who have the same dilemma. It’s hard for young children to understand when they can be mean to stand up for themselves or use physical force against a peer, or even a parent’s worst fear – another adult.

I have heard that modern parents are raising wimpy children because we don’t make them tough by allowing them to be picked on or physically fight. Children will always tease each other or be mean at times and it’s important to teach our children how to deal with these incidents. It’s also important not to condone the behaviour.

As much as I want to teach my daughter how to tell someone off, give the finger to someone who bothers her, or, when it’s really bad, use physical force, I don’t. It is tempting at times. I try to teach her to deal with the situation in a non-confrontational way.

The first thing I tell her, especially if it’s a boy bothering her, is not to react. My daughter can be dramatic and easily offended, which makes her a target for people looking to get a reaction. I explain that they are bother her because they want her to yell and get upset so it’s important to not give into that and to tell the person to back off then turn away. If someone is bothering her on the playground, I tell her to just walk away and play with someone else.

There have been a couple times where a child was pushing or kicking at my daughter. I explained that in those cases it is okay to push the other child away so that she can get away and find a teacher. I think all children should be taught some basic self defense moves that involve deflecting, not striking someone.

I don’t think raising a nice child is raising a wimp. She will need to understand that being a nice person doesn’t mean you have to take someone else’s crap. The most important thing I can do for her is help her be confident enough so that she can continue to be thoughtful towards others and stand up for herself when she needs to.

Turning Setback Into Opportunity

It has been quite a while since I posted. I found a new job that was extremely busy and stressful for various reasons, and with my little one still not sleeping at night and caring for both of my children, I have been quite exhausted and stretched thin.

I didn’t realize how stressed I was until I lost my job almost two weeks ago.

After the initial shock and what-do-I-do-now panic subsided a bit, I felt a sense of freedom. I had been rushing for 10 months and now I could breathe! During that time I had been constantly frustrated, anxious, easily angered, and feeling like I was letting everyone down because I couldn’t get things done. The worst part is that I felt like a horrible mother because I frequently losing my temper with my children and didn’t have the time for them I wanted, which wasn’t fair to them.

As I look for a new job, I’m enjoying being home with my family. I’m not yelling at my six-year old that we are late and have to get out the door, instead I’m taking the extra time in the morning to do her hair the way she asks or cook her something special for breakfast. I’m not feeling as though I hardly see my 18-month old and become frustrated because she won’t go to sleep so I can get things ready for the next morning, instead I spend the whole day with her. I’m not snapping at my husband, instead I’m hoping to strengthen our relationship.

I still panic if I think too much about what I’m going to do to help financially support my family. It’s great to be home to care for my children and finally do all the cleaning that hasn’t been done in – no, I’m not going to admit how long it’s been – but bills still need to be paid and groceries and household items purchased along with necessities for two growing children. It’s not easy knowing that there’s only one income coming in that won’t cover expenses.

I believe this is an opportunity to decide what I want to do as a career/occupation instead of what I have to do. For several years, I was unsatisfied in the occupation I had but it’s always easier to stay where you are, especially when the employer is good to you and when the community doesn’t have an abundance of well paying jobs I’m qualified for. I felt like I had just gone with the flow and never really considered if this was where I wanted to be, then one morning you wake up and realize it’s near impossible to change things. Then I took a chance and made a career change, which obviously didn’t work out.

What do I want to do? Go back to school? Pursue a position in the same field I was just in? Start my own business? Join the circus? It’s frightening but at the same time liberating. I wish I had the option of taking a few months to decide, but as I mentioned above, money is needed.

While I search for my occupational calling, I will enjoy the most important calling in my life – caring for my family.

GERD/GER Symptoms and Tips

Before I begin, I want to be clear that I am not a doctor, medical professional, or qualified to give medical advice. The information provided here is based on what I have read, and my own observations and experiences. I recommend that you talk to a qualified medical professional if you read anything here that gives you cause to think your child may have GERD/GER or another condition.

As mentioned in my previous blog, our little one has been suffering from GERD since she was born ten months ago. Since my last entry, there have been some slight improvements. I write that likely to my own peril because every time I mention there have been improvements she has a set back.

GERD/GER is becoming better understood by the medical profession and I would like to continue to help raise awareness of the condition. For some background, please review my previous entry, “Living With a GERD/GER Baby.”

GERD/GER was often dismissed as colic because it’s not easy to diagnose and a baby can’t tell you that it has a burning sensation caused by acid reflux. Unless viewed as a whole, the symptoms can be missed.

One of the most common symptoms is throwing up because the muscle that holds the contents of the stomach is underdeveloped. After GER/GERD babies eat, they vomit easily. In mild cases, this can be a little spit up, while in more severe cases it can be projectile vomiting. When it’s a more severe case, the infant can become undernourished because he/she isn’t getting enough food. Though often a main factor in diagnosing GERD/GER, it’s not always a prevalent one since babies can spit up and swallow it, or it’s passed off as something babies do because babies can puke frequently without suffering from reflux.

In my daughter’s case, she gained very well, though mostly because she wanted to eat frequently (ever hour to two) to help sooth the reflux. She did vomit a lot, and, at times, I was sure it was the whole meal she had just eaten. Thankfully, there was only one major projectile incident. You also couldn’t jostle her too much after she ate or put any pressure on her stomach because it would cause her to puke. This has mostly tapered off but she still can’t wear any pants or it bothers her stomach.

Not all babies with GER/GERD are anxious to eat. Some babies refuse to eat because they realize it causes them pain. Others, like my daughter, will start to eat, stop, cry out or just start crying, then start eating again. Naturally, when a baby refuses to eat it is also a major concern, especially when the baby fails to thrive.

As you can imagine, sleep is often disrupted for babies with reflux. When people with reflux lay down, especially flat on their backs, acid from the stomach has an easier time rising into the throat. Often, when babies with GERD/GER sleep, they cry out, arch their backs, or wake up coughing or choking. For me, this was one of the first signs that something wasn’t right. My daughter naps an average of half-an-hour (more if I’m lucky) and is up constantly at night. When it was bad, she would be up every 15 minutes to half-an-hour. If I got an hour sleep, I was lucky. Now that the condition is starting to settle, she’s up an average of every two hours on a good night.

Babies with reflux often cough because of the sensation of the acid rising in their throats. I have found that my little one also sneezes because it goes as far as her nose and she seems to have a dirty nose all the time because of it. Frequent hiccups, wet burps, and gagging are other possible signs of GER/GERD. You may notice frequent swallowing and facial grimaces as the baby tries to clear the burning sensation away. A baby could cry out suddenly as it experiences the reflux, and usually shows another symptom including arching the back, a cough, or gagging.

These are some of the signs that a baby may suffer from GER/GERD. If you suspect your baby does, the first thing you can try is elevating you infant’s mattress. Sometimes that is all a baby needs.

If you are propping up your infant’s mattress follow safety guidelines.

Never put pillows or other soft objects in the crib that pose a suffocation hazard. It is recommended that you prop up the actual crib by putting one end on the back of a foldout chair so the baby sleeps at a 45-degree angle. You can also use books to prop up the legs of one end of the crib. There are foam wedges you can purchase that go under the crib mattress as well.

If you prop up the mattress the next issues is keeping the baby from sliding to the bottom of the crib. You can purchase a sling or make one from a bed sheet to keep the baby in place. My mom made a little bed with tightly rolled up material on two sides and one on the bottom that holds the baby in place. You are more than welcome to contact me for more information on these.

Other ways you can make your baby more comfortable are to keep the baby upright as much as possible, especially for about half-an-hour after the baby eats. When you feed the baby, breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, try to feed the baby as upright as possible. That’s tricky when you are breastfeeding. To help, you can use a wedge or pillow in your lap to elevate the baby’s head or try the football hold.

You can also do small feedings, more frequently. By not filling the stomach too full, the acid doesn’t have as much chance of rising out of the stomach. I would breastfeed on one side every two hours. You just have to play with it and find out what’s right for the infant.

Sometimes when a baby starts solid foods, the condition lessens because solids are heavier and remain in the stomach easier. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case for my little one. She has trouble sitting in the highchair because she slouches when she sits, which puts pressure on her stomach. It’s getting better, but she will often refuse to eat partway through her meal because her stomach is bothering her. I often feed her in an exersaucer (that’s not a good habit to start, but sometimes you have to do what works) or take her out of the highchair and finish the feeding on my knee (also not a good habit because she’s starting to learn that if she cries I will take her out of the highchair).

She has a lot of trouble with some foods, especially jarred baby food. Thankfully, for both my children, I make a lot of my own food. Every child is different, but here are some foods I find aggravate her stomach; sweet potatoes, apples, peaches, and I’m suspecting any of the fruits with the ascorbic acid manufactures put in to keep the colours. Other foods I suspect are watermelon, mango, and honeydew melon. I don’t know why, but after she eats those she seems to have problems. I haven’t tried her on anything that I know is acidic including foods with oranges or other citrus fruits, tomato sauce/paste, and pineapples. Water, because it’s so thin, can also cause her problems so I make sure I only give her a bit at a time.

Car seats and infant seats can also aggravate the condition because of the angle the seat is tilted back at and if the bottom of the seat forces the legs up, it can put pressure on the sensitive stomach. To help, you can roll up a washcloth and place it at the lower back to give the infant more support, as well as tightly roll some blankets and place them at the sides of the baby so it doesn’t tilt to one side.

If symptoms persist after you have tried elevating the mattress, contact a doctor to discuss the situation. There are medications infants can be put on if they have a more serious case of reflux, but it is also important to make changes at home to help your baby be more comfortable, including the elevation of the mattress, and frequent feedings of small quantities.

Most babies outgrow GERD/GER in the first year. Some get over it around four months, while others it’s between seven and 12 months. I have talked to a woman whose grandchildren didn’t grow out of it until they were two. For most babies, as they develop the ability to hold themselves upright the affliction can start to subside.

It’s a long wait for a baby to outgrow reflux with many sleepless nights, watching the baby suffer without anything you can do except hold it upright, and analyzing everything you do that may affect the baby’s stomach. It’s very stressful and heartbreaking to witness. One thing I am thankful for is that it is a condition that can be outgrown and managed, and not something more serious.