Nice Is Not Wimpy

My husband and I are big on manners and treating others with respect and encourage these traits in both our girls.

Our oldest daughter is very sweet and thoughtful towards others. She has been a mother hen since she was able to understand how she could help. She has always wanted to help with babies and naturally gravitates to them if we are out.

When she was three, she was worried about the children shown in the World Vision commercials. When her Grade 1 teacher told me how my daughter often complimented classmates by telling them things such as they look nice or that she likes their hair, I was very touched. She is also very sympathetic and will often be the first to help another child in trouble or comfort a peer who is sad and/or crying. When she played soccer, she could often be found helping up a player who had fallen or one that was hurt and crying, no matter what team the child played for.

It is moving to see your child reaching out to help others.

There are times though when you wonder if raising a nice child is the right thing to do. Because they are so nice there are times when they can be taken advantage of or the victims of mean spirited children.

I’m not saying that my daughter doesn’t do mean things at times. All children try to test boundaries or say or do hurtful things because they don’t fully understand how it makes other children feel. For the most part young children are still driven by their own needs and desires, which can lead them to do things that are mean, but they aren’t intentionally being malicious.

I wasn’t keen on allowing my daughter to ride the school bus because I know what some children do on the bus and the way they talk. I thought four-years-old was too young, but eventually I gave in. She was so excited to ride the bus home that day. When she arrived, she was upset because two older boys had teased her about the hat she was wearing by telling her they were going to eat the little butterfly on the front. It broke my heart because she had been so excited and they took that away from her. She was reluctant to ride the bus again but, thankfully, she’s resilient and got back on. She rides the bus daily and, as I expected, has learned some inappropriate things from the older kids, but that’s part of growing up.

Another time during soccer practice, a boy was pretending he was going to kick my daughter’s ball every time she backed up to kick it. Later the same boy took a ball away from her because he had lost his. She came over to me crying and I told her that I saw what had happened and it wasn’t very nice. We found her another ball and she returned to the field. When she rejoined her group, she gave the ball to another teammate who needed one. What gets me is that boy didn’t need to take my daughter’s ball, if he asked she likely would have given it to him.

How do you walk that line between teaching your child to be nice while at the same time stand up for him/herself? I have spoken with other parents who have the same dilemma. It’s hard for young children to understand when they can be mean to stand up for themselves or use physical force against a peer, or even a parent’s worst fear – another adult.

I have heard that modern parents are raising wimpy children because we don’t make them tough by allowing them to be picked on or physically fight. Children will always tease each other or be mean at times and it’s important to teach our children how to deal with these incidents. It’s also important not to condone the behaviour.

As much as I want to teach my daughter how to tell someone off, give the finger to someone who bothers her, or, when it’s really bad, use physical force, I don’t. It is tempting at times. I try to teach her to deal with the situation in a non-confrontational way.

The first thing I tell her, especially if it’s a boy bothering her, is not to react. My daughter can be dramatic and easily offended, which makes her a target for people looking to get a reaction. I explain that they are bother her because they want her to yell and get upset so it’s important to not give into that and to tell the person to back off then turn away. If someone is bothering her on the playground, I tell her to just walk away and play with someone else.

There have been a couple times where a child was pushing or kicking at my daughter. I explained that in those cases it is okay to push the other child away so that she can get away and find a teacher. I think all children should be taught some basic self defense moves that involve deflecting, not striking someone.

I don’t think raising a nice child is raising a wimp. She will need to understand that being a nice person doesn’t mean you have to take someone else’s crap. The most important thing I can do for her is help her be confident enough so that she can continue to be thoughtful towards others and stand up for herself when she needs to.

Turning Setback Into Opportunity

It has been quite a while since I posted. I found a new job that was extremely busy and stressful for various reasons, and with my little one still not sleeping at night and caring for both of my children, I have been quite exhausted and stretched thin.

I didn’t realize how stressed I was until I lost my job almost two weeks ago.

After the initial shock and what-do-I-do-now panic subsided a bit, I felt a sense of freedom. I had been rushing for 10 months and now I could breathe! During that time I had been constantly frustrated, anxious, easily angered, and feeling like I was letting everyone down because I couldn’t get things done. The worst part is that I felt like a horrible mother because I frequently losing my temper with my children and didn’t have the time for them I wanted, which wasn’t fair to them.

As I look for a new job, I’m enjoying being home with my family. I’m not yelling at my six-year old that we are late and have to get out the door, instead I’m taking the extra time in the morning to do her hair the way she asks or cook her something special for breakfast. I’m not feeling as though I hardly see my 18-month old and become frustrated because she won’t go to sleep so I can get things ready for the next morning, instead I spend the whole day with her. I’m not snapping at my husband, instead I’m hoping to strengthen our relationship.

I still panic if I think too much about what I’m going to do to help financially support my family. It’s great to be home to care for my children and finally do all the cleaning that hasn’t been done in – no, I’m not going to admit how long it’s been – but bills still need to be paid and groceries and household items purchased along with necessities for two growing children. It’s not easy knowing that there’s only one income coming in that won’t cover expenses.

I believe this is an opportunity to decide what I want to do as a career/occupation instead of what I have to do. For several years, I was unsatisfied in the occupation I had but it’s always easier to stay where you are, especially when the employer is good to you and when the community doesn’t have an abundance of well paying jobs I’m qualified for. I felt like I had just gone with the flow and never really considered if this was where I wanted to be, then one morning you wake up and realize it’s near impossible to change things. Then I took a chance and made a career change, which obviously didn’t work out.

What do I want to do? Go back to school? Pursue a position in the same field I was just in? Start my own business? Join the circus? It’s frightening but at the same time liberating. I wish I had the option of taking a few months to decide, but as I mentioned above, money is needed.

While I search for my occupational calling, I will enjoy the most important calling in my life – caring for my family.

GERD/GER Symptoms and Tips

Before I begin, I want to be clear that I am not a doctor, medical professional, or qualified to give medical advice. The information provided here is based on what I have read, and my own observations and experiences. I recommend that you talk to a qualified medical professional if you read anything here that gives you cause to think your child may have GERD/GER or another condition.

As mentioned in my previous blog, our little one has been suffering from GERD since she was born ten months ago. Since my last entry, there have been some slight improvements. I write that likely to my own peril because every time I mention there have been improvements she has a set back.

GERD/GER is becoming better understood by the medical profession and I would like to continue to help raise awareness of the condition. For some background, please review my previous entry, “Living With a GERD/GER Baby.”

GERD/GER was often dismissed as colic because it’s not easy to diagnose and a baby can’t tell you that it has a burning sensation caused by acid reflux. Unless viewed as a whole, the symptoms can be missed.

One of the most common symptoms is throwing up because the muscle that holds the contents of the stomach is underdeveloped. After GER/GERD babies eat, they vomit easily. In mild cases, this can be a little spit up, while in more severe cases it can be projectile vomiting. When it’s a more severe case, the infant can become undernourished because he/she isn’t getting enough food. Though often a main factor in diagnosing GERD/GER, it’s not always a prevalent one since babies can spit up and swallow it, or it’s passed off as something babies do because babies can puke frequently without suffering from reflux.

In my daughter’s case, she gained very well, though mostly because she wanted to eat frequently (ever hour to two) to help sooth the reflux. She did vomit a lot, and, at times, I was sure it was the whole meal she had just eaten. Thankfully, there was only one major projectile incident. You also couldn’t jostle her too much after she ate or put any pressure on her stomach because it would cause her to puke. This has mostly tapered off but she still can’t wear any pants or it bothers her stomach.

Not all babies with GER/GERD are anxious to eat. Some babies refuse to eat because they realize it causes them pain. Others, like my daughter, will start to eat, stop, cry out or just start crying, then start eating again. Naturally, when a baby refuses to eat it is also a major concern, especially when the baby fails to thrive.

As you can imagine, sleep is often disrupted for babies with reflux. When people with reflux lay down, especially flat on their backs, acid from the stomach has an easier time rising into the throat. Often, when babies with GERD/GER sleep, they cry out, arch their backs, or wake up coughing or choking. For me, this was one of the first signs that something wasn’t right. My daughter naps an average of half-an-hour (more if I’m lucky) and is up constantly at night. When it was bad, she would be up every 15 minutes to half-an-hour. If I got an hour sleep, I was lucky. Now that the condition is starting to settle, she’s up an average of every two hours on a good night.

Babies with reflux often cough because of the sensation of the acid rising in their throats. I have found that my little one also sneezes because it goes as far as her nose and she seems to have a dirty nose all the time because of it. Frequent hiccups, wet burps, and gagging are other possible signs of GER/GERD. You may notice frequent swallowing and facial grimaces as the baby tries to clear the burning sensation away. A baby could cry out suddenly as it experiences the reflux, and usually shows another symptom including arching the back, a cough, or gagging.

These are some of the signs that a baby may suffer from GER/GERD. If you suspect your baby does, the first thing you can try is elevating you infant’s mattress. Sometimes that is all a baby needs.

If you are propping up your infant’s mattress follow safety guidelines.

Never put pillows or other soft objects in the crib that pose a suffocation hazard. It is recommended that you prop up the actual crib by putting one end on the back of a foldout chair so the baby sleeps at a 45-degree angle. You can also use books to prop up the legs of one end of the crib. There are foam wedges you can purchase that go under the crib mattress as well.

If you prop up the mattress the next issues is keeping the baby from sliding to the bottom of the crib. You can purchase a sling or make one from a bed sheet to keep the baby in place. My mom made a little bed with tightly rolled up material on two sides and one on the bottom that holds the baby in place. You are more than welcome to contact me for more information on these.

Other ways you can make your baby more comfortable are to keep the baby upright as much as possible, especially for about half-an-hour after the baby eats. When you feed the baby, breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, try to feed the baby as upright as possible. That’s tricky when you are breastfeeding. To help, you can use a wedge or pillow in your lap to elevate the baby’s head or try the football hold.

You can also do small feedings, more frequently. By not filling the stomach too full, the acid doesn’t have as much chance of rising out of the stomach. I would breastfeed on one side every two hours. You just have to play with it and find out what’s right for the infant.

Sometimes when a baby starts solid foods, the condition lessens because solids are heavier and remain in the stomach easier. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case for my little one. She has trouble sitting in the highchair because she slouches when she sits, which puts pressure on her stomach. It’s getting better, but she will often refuse to eat partway through her meal because her stomach is bothering her. I often feed her in an exersaucer (that’s not a good habit to start, but sometimes you have to do what works) or take her out of the highchair and finish the feeding on my knee (also not a good habit because she’s starting to learn that if she cries I will take her out of the highchair).

She has a lot of trouble with some foods, especially jarred baby food. Thankfully, for both my children, I make a lot of my own food. Every child is different, but here are some foods I find aggravate her stomach; sweet potatoes, apples, peaches, and I’m suspecting any of the fruits with the ascorbic acid manufactures put in to keep the colours. Other foods I suspect are watermelon, mango, and honeydew melon. I don’t know why, but after she eats those she seems to have problems. I haven’t tried her on anything that I know is acidic including foods with oranges or other citrus fruits, tomato sauce/paste, and pineapples. Water, because it’s so thin, can also cause her problems so I make sure I only give her a bit at a time.

Car seats and infant seats can also aggravate the condition because of the angle the seat is tilted back at and if the bottom of the seat forces the legs up, it can put pressure on the sensitive stomach. To help, you can roll up a washcloth and place it at the lower back to give the infant more support, as well as tightly roll some blankets and place them at the sides of the baby so it doesn’t tilt to one side.

If symptoms persist after you have tried elevating the mattress, contact a doctor to discuss the situation. There are medications infants can be put on if they have a more serious case of reflux, but it is also important to make changes at home to help your baby be more comfortable, including the elevation of the mattress, and frequent feedings of small quantities.

Most babies outgrow GERD/GER in the first year. Some get over it around four months, while others it’s between seven and 12 months. I have talked to a woman whose grandchildren didn’t grow out of it until they were two. For most babies, as they develop the ability to hold themselves upright the affliction can start to subside.

It’s a long wait for a baby to outgrow reflux with many sleepless nights, watching the baby suffer without anything you can do except hold it upright, and analyzing everything you do that may affect the baby’s stomach. It’s very stressful and heartbreaking to witness. One thing I am thankful for is that it is a condition that can be outgrown and managed, and not something more serious.

Living With A GERD/GER Baby

I wanted to write about GER/GERD (Gastroesophageal Reflux Disorder) to help raise awareness of the condition. For some babies, what was once written off as colic is being found to be acid reflux. It’s not that easy to diagnose because there are not tests that can be done, to my knowledge, and parents have to be attentive to behaviours of the child to see it.

GER/GERD is when the gastric contents of the stomach return into the esophagus. Most people know it as indigestion or heartburn. It happens to babies because the ring of muscles that separate the esophagus from the stomach hasn’t fully developed. With the contents of the stomach leaking back into the throat (or sometimes even as high as the sinuses), the infant experiences a burning sensation.

When I brought home out little bundle in August, I thought it was odd that she had a cough and sneezed a lot. When she slept she would often cry out and arch her back suddenly, her nose was constantly dirty, and if she got too upset she would do something between a cough and a sneeze and it was very hard to get her to stop. These were my first clues something wasn’t right. When I spoke to her physician about these symptoms, he wasn’t worried. She was a month old at the time.

That same day as the doctor visit, I read an article about possible stomach problems babies can have sent to me on-line by the Parent Centre newsletter I subscribe to. When I read the part on GER/GERD things started to make sense. They had the symptoms of arching the back or drawing the legs up and crying while or after eating, all which my little one did.

I spoke with a wonderful public health nurse at the Health Unit whose grandchildren also suffered from GERD and she provided me with some insightful information. After reading the information, I realized that my little one indeed suffered from reflux. I took the information to the doctor that same week and he said she would out grow it.

The symptoms started becoming worse as time went on. By two months, she was crying for at least and hour in the morning and in the evening and she was throwing up more frequently. Her sleep was becoming severely disrupted because she was uncomfortable and even holding her couldn’t keep her asleep for more than half an hour. When she did sleep, she had trouble breathing through her nose because it was so stuffed up. It was even getting to the point where she would be nursing, pull off and give a little cry. This time the doctor prescribed some medication (ranitidine), which has been helpful but hasn’t stopped many of the symptoms.

As is typical with GER/GERD, her symptoms peaked around four months. My husband and I were at a loss. It was so frustrating to know what was wrong but not be able to help. My time was consumed by feeding her every two hours then holding her upright for half an hour or more if it was a really bad day for her. The reason for the two hour feeding is because GERD babies are supposed to eat smaller and more frequent meals, while the holding them upright helps limit the reflux while they digest the food.

I would also end up holding her for many of her naps, which could range from half an hour to an hour. Usually people say, “Sleep when the baby sleeps,” but when you are holding an infant it’s hard to get in a nap. I have learned various ways to sleep while sitting up on the couch or rocking chair in her room. It hasn’t been good for my neck and I don’t get a restful sleep, but it’s better than nothing.

It was upsetting to hold her upright against my chest when she was asleep, then lay her down and watch her little face crinkle up as she got the bad taste of acid in her mouth and often shake her head back and forth. If she falls asleep upright, against our chest, we have to slowly transition her to a cradle position in our arms, and then gently lay her down so she doesn’t get that spurt of acid.

We can’t lay her down flat, which made it hard to put her down at all in the beginning because she was too little for an exersaucer or jolly jumper. This meant a lot of holding and use of an infant carrier. I have a five-year old to care for as well and get ready for school, so there have been many difficult times when I just couldn’t hold the baby while she was having reflux issues. I’m thankful, now that she’s bigger, she can go in her exersaucer or jolly jumper, which keep her upright and allows me to get a few things done.

The mattresses in her bassinets downstairs and upstairs, along with one end of the bassinets, were propped up to keep her more upright while she was lying down. At night, I had to be careful she didn’t slide down into the blankets, so I also dealt with a fear of suffocation. Now I have a special bed my mom made to keep her from sliding down in her crib, which is also propped up.

Even at six-months she is still struggling with the reflux. Just yesterday, she was sitting in her high chair and got a burst of acid, which made her eyes water and she cried out. She was also screaming off and on between one and two in the morning. All I could do was hold her as upright as she would let me and try to comfort her until the bout passed.

GERD affects everything we do with her. She is quite an active child and I looked forward to floor time with her. That doesn’t happen much because she would be laying flat. I try to give her a little time every few days since she needs to develop her muscles and skills, such as rolling over.

She received many beautiful outfits for Christmas and has many passed down to her from her older sister, but she can’t wear them. When you put pants on her she becomes uncomfortable quite quickly from the band around her waist and the reflux bothers her for the rest of the day and sometimes into the next.

Going out is another issue. The incline and sometimes the straps on the car seat aggravate the reflux. This makes me reluctant to go out unless absolutely necessary, which means I am sitting at home most of the time. Mind you, it’s also winter so I’m not completely sad I don’t go out. If I take my little one out grocery shopping, which means about an hour in her seat, she usually suffers the rest of the day and into the night. I am looking forward to the spring so I can take her out for walks and get myself out of the house.

It’s actually recommended that babies with severe cases of GERD/GER be moved into the next stage of car seat earlier. Though these are forward facing seats, they are installed backwards because babies don’t have the strength to sustain an impact in a forward facing seat until they are at least a year old. By moving them into the next stage of car seat, they are sitting up straighter. If you have a baby with GERD/GER, I’m not necessarily recommending this and think you should consult a health care professional before trying.

Starting solid foods has also been a bit of an adventure. I don’t want to overfeed her because that’s one way to make her belly upset. I also have to watch for foods that would aggravate the reflux. She has only had a few foods, but so far, I have found that sweet potatoes bother her. Sometimes even sitting in the high chair gets her stomach going, on those days I put her in her saucer to eat, though that’s a little messier.

Sleeping is always an issue for babies, especially one with reflux. After my first child not sleeping, I thought for sure this one would. I was wrong. She often sleeps in hour chunks during the night and sometimes naps a little more than an hour, if I’m lucky. Sometimes she even needs to be held upright as she sleeps, at least until her bout passes, which could take up to an hour. As mentioned, her crib mattress is propped up and my mom made a little holder that keeps her from sliding to the bottom of the crib while she sleeps. If I mess with the angle at all it seems to throw her stomach off. I recently tried propping the crib up more, which caused her to be awake practically all night.

When I get up with her at night, she often wants to eat because it helps sooth her stomach temporarily. She will have a little snack, and then I have to try to stay awake while holding her as upright as I can for about half an hour. She doesn’t like to be held upright against your chest so I have to cradle her while holding her torso up in an almost sitting position. I often fall asleep in the chair and awake with my head on my chest and a very sore neck.

One thing I really miss with my baby is napping with her. Since she can’t lie flat, I can’t put her in bed with me. 

I'm glad the throwing up has subsided for the most part. She was being sick after every meal pretty much and you had to try to hold her as still as possible so she wouldn't be really sick. There were times, I swear, she brought back up her whole meal! This aspect of GERD/GER leads to a lot of laundry for both her and parents, as well as a lot of cleaning of furniture. I got to the point that, unless it was a really big sick, I wouldn't bother changing my clothes.

I had to go to my older daughter's school to talk to a teacher about a program I was going to participate in with the baby (Roots of Empathy). When I got home I realized that I had puke on the shoulders of my shirt. I was almost embarrassed, until I remembered that  I hadn't taken my coat off so no one would have seen it. Sleep deprivation makes you forget to do a lot of things. :)

These are just some of the experiences we have had with out little one. As she nears the seven-month mark, I’m hoping she will grow out of it soon. I’m not counting on it though as recently she has started throwing up more than in the last of couple months. She had improved a lot and I’m not sure what the cause of her setback is. It may be from having her sit up on her own more. She hasn’t quite developed all the muscles, so when she sits she slouches, which puts pressure on her stomach.

It’s been a long wait for this condition to pass and I am very thankful it is something she will grow out of and not something more serious she will have to live with forever. She is also a very happy child despite being uncomfortable frequently. I’m trying to look on the bright side as we wait.

I want to give a special thank you to Trudy Kidd from the Timiskaming Health Unit. She has shared her own stories and listened to mine. She has also been a wealth of information and support, which any mother needs.

In my next instalment, I will go over some of the things I have found out about GERD/GER to help other parents who may also struggle with the issue.

Simple Pleasures

As the mother of a baby, one can find pleasure in very simple things that were often taken for granted before motherhood. Of course, there are the amazing things your baby does as he or she learns and develops new skills that make life very fulfilling. Motherhood is full of milestones that make your heart melt, but sometimes you need something that’s just for you.

Here are some things I have found solace in.

Getting out of the shower and not hearing a crying baby. First, it’s an accomplishment to even get a shower, but I hate having that time to myself spoiled by getting out to the sound of a crying infant. Instantly I’m back in mommy mode. That means I have to hurry my post shower routine to get downstairs to save my husband as quickly as I can.

A hot cup of tea. I find it very relaxing to hold the hot mug of tea in my hands. There’s something soothing about a tea that makes my day a little better.

I love snuggling a sleeping baby. When I sit in a rocking chair, holding that small, warm, little body that isn’t crying or squirming it’s a special moment. There are a ton of things that need done around the house but for that moment everything can wait and it’s just you and the baby.

As any mother knows, when you have children there’s not enough time in the day to get things done, and when you have a baby most of the time you would rather nap than do housework. It’s so great when family members visit and do some of that work that has been piling up. I feel a sense of relief and a pressure lift, as well as gratitude, when someone does those things for me, even if it’s just cleaning off the top of my stove. This doesn’t happen often because my husband and I live far from our family, so it’s very special when it does happen.

Eating a hot meal is another simple pleasure when you have a baby. Babies have a keen sense of timing and seem to know when you are just sitting down to eat. At this time, they usually cry or need your attention for something. Anytime a mother of a baby gets to eat a hot meal, or even a whole meal, is a small victory.

Babies take up a lot of time. At the end of the day, I often wonder what I did all day. I’m reminded the next day when I’m frantically running around after my five-year-old and tending to the baby’s needs. It is a great pleasure when I have time to do something that I used to do pre-baby. This doesn’t have to be anything elaborate or involved, even reading a page of a book is really nice or checking e-mail.

Adult conversation is something some mothers on maternity leave miss out on. It makes me feel like a person, as opposed to just a caregiver (not to diminish the importance of the role of taking care of a baby) when I sit down with another adult and talk about things that don’t involve poopy diapers, spit up, or housework. Actually, it’s nice to use my adult voice as opposed to the higher pitch one we use for infants and be able to use big words instead of silly noises or simple words like “ma” or “da”.

Going to the bathroom is also a simple pleasure when you have a baby or even a small child. First, it’s hard to even get time to go to the bathroom when you have a baby. Often when you finally have time, you forget you had to go, and as soon as you start dealing with the baby again you find yourself having to go really bad. Second, the bathroom can be a place of peace. You close the door and you have a moment to yourself. That is until you have a child who is mobile, and then they want to come in the bathroom all the time. Going to the bathroom alone is a big deal when you have children.

Your soft pillow and warm bed, these are things we can take for granted. For mothers of babies they are a simple pleasure and a great luxury since we don’t see them very often. When I lay my head down for that moment of sleep, I appreciate the comfort my bed provides and when I’m called away again, I miss it dearly.

Finally, there’s the second I sit down. I’ve done some housework, my oldest may be at school or playing nicely upstairs, and the baby is sleeping. The first instant I sit down without having something to do feels great. There is a weight that lifts and my body can relax for the moment, which is usually just that, a moment.

These are some everyday things that I appreciate as my time is consumed by two children. Taking pleasure in some simple things helps keep me sane.

Since I am nearing the half-hour mark of my baby’s nap, I had better sign off. My moment on the couch doing something pre-baby is over and I feel slightly refreshed and more like myself.