China and Tupperware

I went from saying I would never have children to having one child, then thinking she was so much fun that we should have a second. I figured it wouldn’t be too hard to incorporate another into the mix. A friend’s mother once told her, “One child is fun, two is work.” That is very true.

One of the biggest differences is how you treat situations. Someone I know summed it up perfectly when she quoted a friend, “The first child is like china and the second one like Tupperware.” It has nothing to do with how much you value your children. The idea is that with the first child, you worry about everything but with the second, not so much.

As a new parent, you are so cautious about everything that sometimes it boarders on paranoia, from making sure everything is properly sanitized to sleep to whether to put shoes on your baby or not. With one child, it’s also easier to cater to that child’s routine; you can decide on bedtimes, when to introduce certain foods, television shows or toys, and the activities the child will participate in.

When the second child comes along you’re in a constant state of flux. Your home life becomes ten times busier as you try to balance everyone’s needs and routines, especially since the children are at different stages with separate needs. I find that I often do whatever gets us through that time even if it means giving into something I wouldn’t normally. With the second child, you are also a little more confident in your parenting abilities and know that children are pretty durable so you don’t need to obsess about every little thing.

One of the most obvious ways to see the “china-Tupperware theory” is in pictures taken. I bet most parents with more than one child realize that there are tons of pictures of the first child and not quite as many of the next. It’s not because you don’t want the pictures, there’s just not as much time – or energy – to take them. I wanted pictures taken of our first daughter when she was about six-weeks, six-months, and yearly after that. With our second daughter, I wanted the same but it didn’t happen that way. Instead, pictures were done at four-months and one year. It was mostly because we didn’t travel with her much as it aggravated her GERD (acid reflux) and our oldest was in school (we have the pictures done when we travel to visit family in southern Ontario). I also took pictures of our first child the first time she wore several cute outfits, that didn’t happen with the second.

Another difference for us is bedtime. I was adamant that our first child go to bed on time every night, partially because she was up so many times through the night and partially because no matter what time she went to bed, she always woke up at the same time in the morning. She had a whole bedtime routine that included a bath, some quiet music, stories, and snuggles from the time she was about six-months old. When our little one came along it was a struggle to balance bedtimes. It could take a while to put the baby to bed so I had to choose between putting the older one to bed early, since she now goes right to bed and doesn’t get up, or let her stay up a little later until I got the baby to sleep. Bedtime became rather flexible.

As far as a bedtime routine for the little one, it’s not as involved as her older sister’s was since I’m getting both children ready for bed at the same time. Usually the little one is put in her pyjamas and left to play after her bath, then is read a story, gets some cuddles and is put to bed.

With two children, it’s hard to deny the younger one something if the older child is doing it, depending on the activity of course. I’m an oldest child and remember complaining to my mother that my younger sister was able to do things that I wasn’t allowed to go at her age. She said she understood because she was also the oldest of her sisters. I now know why this is.

I was very careful about what our oldest daughter watched on TV. She only watched Treehouse or CBC Kids for a long time. It wasn’t until the past year or so I started allowing her to watch other children’s channels. There’s no way I will be able to do the same thing with the youngest because she will often be in the same room while her older sister is watching a show.

The same thing also goes for food. A few years ago, someone told me about her family’s trip to the fair and how her youngest, who was around two at the time, was given cotton candy because the oldest had some. I took my time giving my daughter sweets and was surprised to hear she had allowed her little one to eat that. Now I get it. Our youngest will eat anything and always wants a piece of what you are eating. Unless her older sister is going to eat a treat in secret, the youngest often gets a small piece too. After six years, I know a little sugar isn’t going to hurt my 20-month old. I still limit what she gets though.

I also became a little more relaxed about toys. Our youngest often plays with her older sister’s toys or I’ll let her play with something I wouldn’t have allowed her older sister to play with at that age because it keeps her occupied for the moment. It’s also hard to continuously take toys away from the little one even if they aren’t quite age appropriate. I have always been careful about the smaller toys, like Polly Pockets, that pose a choking hazard.

My husband is the oldest of five and my mother-in-law has told me that she used to bundle up the youngest and tote him to baseball practice in the evenings regardless of bedtime. You don’t want to deny the older children their fun so you have to be flexible with the younger children.

One of my husband’s favourite stories is how his parents used to call him constantly when he went away to university, even when they knew he had class. When he came home at Thanksgiving, he asked his parents about this. They explained that he was the first of their children to be away from home and this was new for them too, and by the time the youngest of the five went to university, they wouldn’t care where he went. The youngest did go to university and wasn’t checked up on by his parents constantly. Was it because they didn’t care as much? No. By this time four of their children had gone away to university and they were more comfortable because they knew their children could care for themselves.

I have seen advantages to being the oldest and being the youngest through parenting. I also know now how difficult it was for my mom to keep things even between me and my sister. As parents, all we can do is try our best to keep things even; I won’t say fair, because that’s almost impossible.