Nice Is Not Wimpy

My husband and I are big on manners and treating others with respect and encourage these traits in both our girls.

Our oldest daughter is very sweet and thoughtful towards others. She has been a mother hen since she was able to understand how she could help. She has always wanted to help with babies and naturally gravitates to them if we are out.

When she was three, she was worried about the children shown in the World Vision commercials. When her Grade 1 teacher told me how my daughter often complimented classmates by telling them things such as they look nice or that she likes their hair, I was very touched. She is also very sympathetic and will often be the first to help another child in trouble or comfort a peer who is sad and/or crying. When she played soccer, she could often be found helping up a player who had fallen or one that was hurt and crying, no matter what team the child played for.

It is moving to see your child reaching out to help others.

There are times though when you wonder if raising a nice child is the right thing to do. Because they are so nice there are times when they can be taken advantage of or the victims of mean spirited children.

I’m not saying that my daughter doesn’t do mean things at times. All children try to test boundaries or say or do hurtful things because they don’t fully understand how it makes other children feel. For the most part young children are still driven by their own needs and desires, which can lead them to do things that are mean, but they aren’t intentionally being malicious.

I wasn’t keen on allowing my daughter to ride the school bus because I know what some children do on the bus and the way they talk. I thought four-years-old was too young, but eventually I gave in. She was so excited to ride the bus home that day. When she arrived, she was upset because two older boys had teased her about the hat she was wearing by telling her they were going to eat the little butterfly on the front. It broke my heart because she had been so excited and they took that away from her. She was reluctant to ride the bus again but, thankfully, she’s resilient and got back on. She rides the bus daily and, as I expected, has learned some inappropriate things from the older kids, but that’s part of growing up.

Another time during soccer practice, a boy was pretending he was going to kick my daughter’s ball every time she backed up to kick it. Later the same boy took a ball away from her because he had lost his. She came over to me crying and I told her that I saw what had happened and it wasn’t very nice. We found her another ball and she returned to the field. When she rejoined her group, she gave the ball to another teammate who needed one. What gets me is that boy didn’t need to take my daughter’s ball, if he asked she likely would have given it to him.

How do you walk that line between teaching your child to be nice while at the same time stand up for him/herself? I have spoken with other parents who have the same dilemma. It’s hard for young children to understand when they can be mean to stand up for themselves or use physical force against a peer, or even a parent’s worst fear – another adult.

I have heard that modern parents are raising wimpy children because we don’t make them tough by allowing them to be picked on or physically fight. Children will always tease each other or be mean at times and it’s important to teach our children how to deal with these incidents. It’s also important not to condone the behaviour.

As much as I want to teach my daughter how to tell someone off, give the finger to someone who bothers her, or, when it’s really bad, use physical force, I don’t. It is tempting at times. I try to teach her to deal with the situation in a non-confrontational way.

The first thing I tell her, especially if it’s a boy bothering her, is not to react. My daughter can be dramatic and easily offended, which makes her a target for people looking to get a reaction. I explain that they are bother her because they want her to yell and get upset so it’s important to not give into that and to tell the person to back off then turn away. If someone is bothering her on the playground, I tell her to just walk away and play with someone else.

There have been a couple times where a child was pushing or kicking at my daughter. I explained that in those cases it is okay to push the other child away so that she can get away and find a teacher. I think all children should be taught some basic self defense moves that involve deflecting, not striking someone.

I don’t think raising a nice child is raising a wimp. She will need to understand that being a nice person doesn’t mean you have to take someone else’s crap. The most important thing I can do for her is help her be confident enough so that she can continue to be thoughtful towards others and stand up for herself when she needs to.