Let Our Kids Out of The Box

My husband and I never define activities by gender or tell our children they can’t do something because they are girls. As my daughter nears her pre-teen years, she is increasingly concerned about doing ‘girl things’ and not ‘boy things’. She has asked me on a few occasions if I thought an activity was boyish or if she was a tom-boy for doing something because she wants to be a ‘girly girl’.

Recently, a friend told me that her daughter doesn’t wear dresses, often wears a ball cap and doesn’t like to paint her nails. I just nodded, not seeing an issue with it, until she also told me that her daughter was told that ‘real girls’ aren’t like that.

Real girls? Really?

Why are we still limiting our children?

That's the wonderful thing about children - anything is possible.

Plus, life is hard enough without being made to think something is wrong because you don’t like stereotypical gender activities.

I was floored when my friend told me that her daughter had been told that. I believe everyone should be allowed to be who they are (as long as you are not harming anyone) and am very big on individuality (I can see all those who know me nodding emphatically). I like being different, but not everyone has that courage, and to be honest, I didn’t always either.

Why can’t girls play hockey and still wear dresses and like to have their nails done? Why can’t girls have very short hair and like to race dirt bikes or snowmobiles? Why do girls have to wear dresses at all?

Because of the problems with bullying, there has been a big push encouraging youth to be who they are. Despite this, we are still limiting who our children with a few simple words like, “Real girls don’t do...” or “Girls can’t....”. It seems society encourages people to be their unique, individual selves as long as they still fit into the gender stereotypes. How hypocritical is that?

Since I don’t have boys, I can’t speak as much on their pressures, but I know there are still limits put on them. How many boys take dance classes like ballet or tap without being teased? I’m always so proud of the boys I see that get on stage as part of the local dance school.

My mother always told me that I could do anything I wanted. She never put limits on my ambitions, even when I wanted to be a rock star – though I bet she was happy when that dream faded. I try to encourage my girls, or any child, to be who they are and follow their dreams. Even when my daughter wanted to be a ballerina-ninja, I told her she would be the first of her kind.

It’s important to allow our children to be who they are and give them the courage to break away from tradition so they can be happy doing what they love. That courage to not follow others will serve them well through life.

Go Ahead, Punish Me

My oldest is driving me nuts when it comes to finding a punishment that works. No matter what I try, it doesn’t seem to bother her. She’s eight now and I need to find something that works soon because she’s heading into the preteen years.

When she was two-years old, I would tell her, “If you don’t stop that, you will get a time out.” Her reply: “I want a time out.” Sure enough, when she ended up in time out, she sat on the step and entertained herself. Rarely has she cried or been upset to be put in time out. The threat of time out hasn’t been a deterrent for misbehaving.

I tried taking away whatever she was immediately involved with – a toy, the televisions, crafts. She would be upset for a short time and then head off to do something else. She would sometimes go without the toy or craft items for weeks before I remembered to give them back. Usually she would lose the television for the rest of the day or a of couple days, but she didn’t care much, she would just go play in her room.

Grounding has been met with the same response. No television or computer for a week, that’s fine, she occupies herself in her room. No friends for a week, that’s okay, she likes to play alone anyway.

The other night I told her that she would lose the television for the weekend if she didn’t stop misbehaving. She said, “Okay.”

Her nonchalant attitude towards punishments often makes me angrier. Show some emotion child. Let me know that what I’m proposing is actually a punishment.

I have yet to find something that works all the time. I usually have to assess the situation and decide on what seems worse at the time. Often I guess wrong, but sometimes I actually find something that is a punishment.