I’ll Do Better Tomorrow

 

Several months ago I found myself stuck in the guilt cycle. I was unhappy with several aspects of my parenting and felt guilty and frustrated about it, which lead to more of that behaviour. Talking to other parents I know this is fairly common, so I wanted to share my experience.

How many feel like you yell at your children too much? Don’t be shy, raise that hand. Well, I was in that boat too and I hated it. The frustration with myself would build and I would end up yelling more. I also believe that I’m way to hard on my oldest child, which added to my guilt and frustration.

There were nights that I would go to bed and cry because I was so upset with myself. I wanted to do better but didn’t know how or believed it was too late, that I had already messed everything up. The next day I was back on the same path.

Round and round it went until one night I resolved that tomorrow would be a new beginning. I gave myself permission to let go of the past. It wasn’t too late to change.

The next day was a little better but I still didn’t do enough. That night I felt guilty again, but again I resolved that I would do better tomorrow. I repeated that several times.

Each day I would try and every night I vowed to do better tomorrow. Things improved and I was able to release the guilt, which made me less frustrated, which led to less yelling.

I’m not saying I’m perfect and I don’t get frustrated and upset with my children at times. I have managed to release some of my own baggage that was causing additional stress.

It’s a process. We can’t change over night. We need to accept that we aren’t perfect and give ourselves room for mistakes. When we slip, it’s important that we learn from it and move on without beating ourselves up too much. Parenting is hard enough without being down on ourselves all the time.

Remember – tomorrow is another day and you can do better tomorrow.

Where Have I Been?

 

I have been MIA for some time now and my blog hasn’t been far from my thoughts.

After losing my job I took a bit of time to weigh my realistic options – which are a little restricted when you have a family and live in a location with limited career and education options. I did what I had been looking into doing for years, opening my own business.

This was a frightening endeavour, especially since my husband’s salary could not support us completely if I wasn’t earning anything. I was lucky to be accepted to a government program (Self-Employment Benefits program) which provided me with a base salary for 10 months while establishing my new business.

This has definitely been both an advantage and a hardship.

Since I have a retail store and I am the only one working most days, once I’m at the store I can’t leave unless I lock up.With two kids in the morning it’s a challenge to run any errands. I’m becoming an expert at speed shopping. I’m thankful my husband will run some errands for me after he finishes work and before he picks up our youngest to take her home for lunch.

After closing the store at 5 p.m. I rush home to start dinner, or take over preparations, so we can eat as soon as possible to ensure everyone gets baths or anything else that needs to be done before bedtime. It’s also because if we don’t feed our youngest by about 5:30 she becomes a miserable creature that must be some sort of clone of our little girl who is usually quick to smile and laugh. My sister calls it “hangry” – so hungry she is angry.

Our vacation time is also limited in a way. I have a trustworthy person to tend to the store on Saturdays and if I go away, which I am thankful for. As a newer business I don’t have a huge flow of money so if I go away for a week instead of paying for new merchandise I’m paying someone to work. This is often a tough decision. On the flip side – I have the option of taking time off when I would like (pending my worker’s availability) and doing things with my girls. I was able to go to on school outings with my oldest daughter’s class or take time off when my family comes to visit. As long as I use my days off wisely then it’s worth the cost.

Another huge advantage is that I can take my kids to work with me. This is not something I like to do often because my store is just like a huge play area for them. If I’m going to bring them, I try to only have one at a time because if they are both there they are usually fighting, yelling and, at any given time, one of them is crying. I’m sure this makes a great impression on my customers. Gee…this is starting to seem like a huge disadvantage.

It’s nice not to have to scramble for a babysitter though if one of the girls is a little under-the-weather and can’t go to school. I can just bring her to work with me until her father comes to get her – which is usually by 11 a.m. Even on P.D. days, I have the option of bringing them with me (as I grit my teeth while my littlest one lets out an ear piercing scream with a store full of customers or one of them storms out of the back room screaming that her sister committed some horrible offense) until their father finishes work and gets to take them both home to experience the same things except in without the audience of random customers.

Being your own boss is a blessing and a curse. If I had a rough morning getting the kids out the door for school, I can pick up a hot chocolate and a muffin on my way to work and spend an hour eating it. Of course it’s likely to be interrupted by various customers coming into the store but at least I don’t have anyone screaming “MOM!” or “MOMMY!” every few minutes. Sometimes I’m lucky and get to sit down to enjoy my treat for 15 minutes before I have to open the store.

Despite the challenges, I’m happy with the decision. I will have been open two years this fall (that went fast!). My family has been supportive and my husband has stepped up to help me when and where he can. My oldest even likes to help out at the store by greeting and attempting to assist customers when they come in. She says she wants to work there when she grows up…let’s hope the alternate career option of a ninja-ballerina works out.

That’s where I have been and I hope to continue chronicling my adventures here.